The Secrets That Define Us
by Svikari
Summary: What if the person you needed the most was the one person you could never turn to? Kirk faces that question everyday after a night that ruined his world. He would give anything to have the one person that means everything to him back. Even if that is letting him walk away for good. Not everything is as it seems as our secrets are what defines us.
1. Chapter 1

So with the permission from the amazing writer XIIVA I have borrowed their idea for this fic. I highly recommend reading it. It is amazing as is all of XIIVA's work. I had nearly cried reading MERAKI. If you have not read their work stop reading this and go do it. I can wait. This is my first ever fanfiction so please be gentle. I would love to hear from you even if it is criticism. I do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine. If you spot any may you, please point them out so I can fix them? Reviews are amazing. Also if I miss a trigger warning please point it out and I will fix it. As I am unsure what is or isn't considered a trigger warning please bear with me.

 **Edit: 12/22/16 This has gone through a beta finally.**

WARNING: This is Yaoi, slash, male on male. If you do not like that sort of stuff or it is illegal in the country, you live in then please go back now. It is rated M for a reason. Do not bash me for something you have been warned about.

Disclaimer: Does owning the movies on DVDs count? What about the original TV series in box sets? No? Then it looks like I don't own Star Trek.

Tigger Warning: Anguish all around. Mild profanity. Reference to drinking.

Spoilers for the Star Trek 2009

Chapter One: Silence

How could he have done this? How stupid could he have been? Why? Every question burned in Jim's mind. He could not answer any of them. Maybe he did not want to. He couldn't think anymore. He didn't want to think anymore. He would have to go home. Spock would be waiting there.

"What am I going to tell him?" Jim whispered as he stared at the handles of his bike. "Should I tell him? …No…" He laid his head on the bars and tried to calm down. "I can't tell him."

Griping the handles tighter Jim felt his hands shake from the effort. He hadn't felt so lost in years. Not since he was a kid. Not since Sam left. He wasn't that kid any more. He was a grown man and had to live up to his mistakes. There was no other way but this would kill Spock, his _ashayam._ He just couldn't tell him. With his mind made up he put the keys in the ignition and drove. If he was going faster than the speed limit Spock wasn't here to tell him to slow down.

The drive was long normally but it went by in a flash as Jim sped down every short cut he knew. He slowed when he was a few blocks away from their house. He even went under the speed limit. Nearly at a crawl he pulled into his driveway. Spock's car and his own sitting there. Jim pressed the button on his keys for the garage to open. It felt like an eternity as he waited before finally driving his bike in and turning off the motor.

His stomach rolled as he just sat there. It was too late to turn back and too hard to go forward. Why couldn't he have just stayed home? Because he couldn't handle the silence anymore that is why. Damn he was such an idiot. "Well, he knows you're here. Put your big boy pants on and face him like a man."

Jim's stomach dropped and if he still had anything left in his stomach he would have lost it. His hands shook as he slid his helmet off. He didn't want to do this. This was worst then when he went into the engine room while it was leaking radiation everywhere. This was worst then when he had to watch Spock through a glass while he felt like he was burning alive. He had to do this. He would lose his _ashayam._ There wasn't any other choice. He could try to cover it up. He was blocking as much as he could right now and so was Spock. His Vulcan had been shielding his thoughts for two months now.

Taking several deep breaths Jim got off the bike and pocketed his keys. He locked his helmet in its place on the back of his bike before making his way to the button on the wall. Pressing it made the garage door start to slide down in place. The former captain made his way to the shutting doors and darted under them. He could have gone into the house through the garage but that would be hiding. Jim wasn't a coward. Anyone could contest to that.

The now Commodore Kirk faltered in his steps. Perhaps he was a coward? After tonight that was true. He was a bloody coward. Looking down at the paved walkway he felt his stomach turn again. He laid his hand over his stomach trying to calm it down. Perhaps Spock would be asleep?

Jim huffed and kept walking. "Not a chance." His theory was supported by the fact that there was a light on in the house. Spock would never leave a light on if he were to go to bed. Feeling the wave of sickness hit him harder he pressed forward. There was no running from this.

The door automatically opened as he stepped onto the porch. He just wanted to go in there, shower and sleep for the next week. In that order. He took a step into the house and his eyes instantly fell on Spock. His heart squeezed in his chest as he watched the male stand, most likely to ask why he was gone so late. That was if they had been talking. They haven't spoken more than three word to each other in two months. His heart plummeted as he saw Spock's eyes change from concern to closed off in a second.

He didn't have to say anything. Jim could let Spock figure things out himself. He knew he looked like hell. He smelled even worst. The stench of alcohol clung to him like perfume. He was sober now but his eyes were blood shot. He knew the cologne of another clung to him even more. Jim met his lover's eyes. He owed him that. He owed him a lot more than that.

"…Why?" Spock's voice was cold and distant. Jim knew that it meant his lover was suppressing his emotions. It clearly wasn't working because his hands clench into fists. Those beautiful hands would be hurting in the morning.

Jim gave a weak smile. He didn't speak for a moment. There wasn't any sort of answer he could give that would satisfy his _ashayam_. "Because…I couldn't stand the silence anymore Spock." He longed to call his lover _ashayam_ but he lost that right the moment he stepped into that bar and had that first drink.

Spock turned on his heels and went not to their shared room but to the guest room. Jim felt the fragments of his heart turning into dust. Each breath felt like agony as he forced the air past a throat that felt too tight. His vision blurred as fresh tears welled up in his eyes. He refused to let the pained sound escape from his chest.

As Jim walked to the master bathroom he heard the sound of something breaking in the other guest room. The wave of pain and rage coming thought the bond was instant and had him on his knees before it went silent. The bond being as silent as it had ever been. It felt like it wasn't even there anymore. He tried to reach for it knowing more than half the time he couldn't and that was before all of this. He got to his feet and stumbled the rest of the way to the bathroom. Not another sound came from the guest room as he stripped his clothes. Jim would burn them later. Right now he needed them off and as far away from him as they could be.

Jim turned the water as hot as it would go which was enough to hurt since he lived with a Vulcan. It turned his skin an angry red within seconds. He scrubbed until darker red spots dotted his skin. Even then that smell wouldn't go away. It never would. With the burning water running down his skin there was no proof he did anything but wash away the night. If the water that stung his cheeks was cooler than the water that ran from the shower head, he wasn't going to admit it.

Author's note 2: _ashayam_ \- Vulcan for beloved. Go ahead and flame. I know you want to. Just remember the narration is through a limited view. That view happens to be Kirk right now and he is not in a good place right now. Views are always bias. Nothing in life comes free. You are not garneted happiness. You have to fight for it with everything you have.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Hollow

Disclaimer: I own a Star Trek bear from Build-A-Bear, does that count? Still no? Then I still don't own Star Trek or our favorite boys would be a thing.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: Implied drinking. Implied consensual sex between adult males. Implied cheating on a spouse.

 **Edit 12/22/16: I have a beta and she is awesome.**

If the person you needed most was also the one that couldn't help you what could you do but give up? That was what was going through Kirk's mind as he stared at the drink in his hands. He had tried so many times. So many that he lost count. He was tired. He needed help but knew he couldn't tell anyone. Not after everything that has happened. His eyes shot up to the door as it automatically opened revealing the tall male that was his everything.

"Spock?" Kirk's voice came out in a hushed whisper. His eyes rimmed red. The corner of his lips curled up with painstaking effort. 'Spock?' he tried along the bond. Silence, cold, a hollow pit so large it felt like Kirk was drowning in it.

Spock glanced down at the cup in Kirk's hands. His eyebrow raised as he took in the strong aroma of the alcohol. The look as close to disapproving as Spock ever got. The slight change in the way he shifted his weight and the set of his mouth screamed disapproval if you knew what to look for and Kirk had learned over the years every tick his bondmate had. Without a word Spock walked passed his former captain down the hall. Kirk hoped that his Vulcan would turn right. He held his breath waiting. That hope crumbled into ash as Spock turned left and entered the guest room.

Staring at the glass that he had not touched Kirk realized that it had been foolish to pour it in the first place. Foolish and irresponsible. He swallowed hard a few time before standing and going to the sink. He dumped the glass out and set it on the counter. He would wash it in a moment. Kirk's hands shook as he gripped the side of the sink. How could he have been so stupid? He no longer drank. Not since that night. He wasn't that man anymore but he had wanted to simply hold the glass of liquor in his hands. To maybe help in some way.

The smell of it alone made his stomach roll. Jim doubted he could ever drink another glass of alcohol in his life. Spock didn't know that. He would never know that because they were not talking. He wanted his _ashayam_ back. Even if it was to yell at him or throw things. Just something other than this. He would give anything to go back in time and changed nearly everything that has happened in the last five months. He would give anything for Selek to be alive. He missed that man. Maybe he could have helped them get through this. Maybe he could have smacked their heads together and told them to grow up instead of being children. Maybe…he wouldn't feel so empty if he had someone to tell.

After several long breaths that he held and released, the pain in his throat eased. He took the glass back in hand. The smell not as strong but it still made him ill to breath it in. He should just pour out all of the liquor he had around the house. His hand stopped as he reached for the tap. No he couldn't do that. A lot of those were old and besides… He let out a long breath and turned the water on, washing the cup until it was beyond the point of clean. Jim dried it for a full two minutes before he gave up stalling and put the cup away.

Slowly he walked to the room that had become Spock's. He rapped lightly and when no answer came he wasn't surprised. "Spock…? I know…we can't keep going like this. I know you won't speak to me…" He laid his head on the door. After a moment in which what was left of his heart broke into even smaller pieces he thumped his head against it hard. "Please Spock…don't give up on us. Let's get help…please?" Again no reply came. His hands balled into fists wishing that what he touched wasn't the cold wood of the door but the cool flesh of his bondmate. After a long moment he pushed away from the door and turned to go to his room. He hated that phrase. His room, but it had been just his for months now.

Unknown to the human the Vulcan stood on the other side of the door, lightly placing his fingers where he knew Jim's had been. His brows furrowed as he stared at the simple barrier that felt like it was the physical embodiment of the divide that stood between them for the last several months. He should have answered his bondmate. This hollow feeling was eating away at him. It was eating away at both of them.

Spock stood there for a long moment wishing Jim would come back. He wished he would leave. He wished he was strong enough to leave his human. Jim was right they needed help. They couldn't keep on like this. The hollow feeling was growing and soon one of them would snap. Spock almost had that night when Jim came home reeking of another. He had never felt so much pain as he had that night. No there were other times but that had been just as bad. He didn't want to think of that either.

The Vulcan knew that they were almost to the point where they couldn't go back. Maybe they had passed that point. Maybe they still had a chance. The variables were just too much. He knew what his heart wanted but knew it was illogical. They could not turn back the hand of time. If he could he would turn them back to before they had gotten together. It would have saved them so much pain.

Would it be worth it? It would take away the pain they were feeling but it would take everything else too. He would have never kissed Jim. Spock would have never heard the words 'I love you' slip out of Jim's mouth for the first time. He would never hear Jim whisper the Vulcan word _ashayam_. The blush that slowly crept up on Jim's face as the then captain looked up at him worrying his bottom lip between his teeth as he waited for a response. A full 11.32 seconds had passed in which Jim had regretted saying the word thinking he had spoken it wrong.

Spock had quickly rectified he error and kissed the male senseless. When Jim had told him he had practiced the word for weeks to make sure it was right he felt his heart skip a beat. If he turned back the clock he would miss the way they had laughed, cuddled up together as they went over Vulcan vocabulary. Jim had butchered every word they tired but they kept trying. Jim had been improving before all of this. He would miss the time they had sat together for hours just listening to each other's breathing. Neither able to sleep as they came down from the glow of their first time together.

If Spock turned back time he would give that all up. He couldn't do that. He cherished those moments no matter how much it hurt right now. The Vulcan opened the door and made his way down the hall. His footsteps not making a sound. The sound of breathing was audible from where he stood outside of Jim's door. The way his stomach squeezed and twisted he knew without a shadow of a doubt he hated that this had become Jim's room. The breathing was shallow but not quite to the point of sleep. His bondmate was still awake.

"…If you wish it then we will seek help…Jim." Spock did not bother to knock. Too afraid that the person on the other side would reject him again. Was it even his right to call Jim by his first name? After everything that had happened? He heard shuffling of blankets before there were soft footsteps that lead to the door. He could hear the heart beat on the other side. Just like moments ago they stood on other sides of a divide. The sound of Jim leaning on the door made him hope for the first time in five months.

He waited two minutes before there came a response. It was light and even to his ears it was hard to pick up. "Thank you…Spock." It was not the _ashayam_ that he craved. It would work though. He had lost the right to being called beloved.

After another painful four minutes that he was sure Jim would have gone back to bed he laid his hand on the door. "Good night Jim. We will talk about this in the morning."

"…Good night Spock." He heard the soft footsteps go away from the door and he knew Jim was in bed.

He turned away from the door and went back to the guest room. They had said fifty-six words to each other tonight. That was more than they had spoken in five months. The hollow feeling that was eating at them eased just a little.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Numb

Disclaimer: I still don't own Star Trek and I am not making any sort of money off of this.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: None

 **Edit: 12/22/16 This has finally gone through a beta and has been made better for it.**

Jim laid in bed staring at first the ceiling and then the bedroom door. Spock had left hours ago and yet Jim could not sleep. They had spoken to each other. He was too afraid to sleep. What if he woke up and all of this had been a dream? So he stayed awake unable to sleep. Was Spock only doing this for Jim? Was he only doing it to say they had tried to salvage their relationship? Jim didn't know anymore and that scared him more than facing off Nero ever did. He could no longer know what Spock wanted. Jim no longer knew the man he loved.

He jumped as his communicator went off. Slowly he reached for it and pulled it to him. Tapping lightly on the screen his heart skipped a beat before going into over drive.

 **I know you are still awake Jim. Go to sleep. You will be ineffective at work if you stay up any longer. We will go over possible help in the morning.**

 _ **Ashayam**_

Jim pulled the communicator close to his chest. He had changed the name he had listed Spock under after he had learned the word. Maybe he should change it back to Spock? No that would just be one more thing that said they were over. He couldn't give that up. Not yet. Slowly he read the message over again. This was real. It wasn't just his mind playing tricks on him. Sighing Jim found the will to sleep.

It was blissfully dreamless sleep too. He would have to thank the pretty doctor at the clinic for giving him the pills that suppressed his dreams. They didn't always work but when they did he slept soundly. He hadn't been able to do that lately. The three hours Jim got that night was the most he slept in nearly a week. He stretched out and felt everything shift until his body popped. It felt nice.

Sitting up in bed Jim looked down at the communicator he had kept ahold of all night. The message was still there. It hadn't been a dream. Sighing he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. A quick shower and shave later he was ready to go out into the living room. His heart skipped a beat as he stared at his bondmate already dressed and ready to go.

Waiting for something to happen Jim just stared at Spock. When neither could come up with words to say he felt numb. What was pretty words when nothing had changed? Swallowing hard he moved past Spock into the kitchen. He did not feel like eating. He hardly felt like eating anymore. Normally he could get away with skipping breakfast because Spock was already gone before he got up in the morning. He grabbed an apple from the bowl of fruits and started eating it.

"Will that be all you are going to eat?" Spock's voice made him jump. Turning Jim looked at Spock wondering why he had chosen that topic out of a hundred to start with. Maybe because it was easy? It was a place to start.

Jim threw the core away and nodded. "I'll get something a little later at the office. Not really hungry yet." He would have to pick something up. He hated lying to Spock. There are only so many lies you are allowed to have before they start eating at you.

Spock's eyebrow raised as the human fidgeted. "…I see. Would you like me to drive you to work? You are running late and you did not sleep very long last night. We could…get lunch together. Go over our choices. I found a few councilors that seem promising."

He was surprised to say the least. "You…You found that last night?" His voice shook a little. Spock really had listen to him. They could work this out.

"Yes. As you are aware I do not need as much sleep as humans do. We really should get going Jim." Spock moved out of Jim's way as the man cursed and moved to the door.

Jim winced as Spock moved out of his way. He had no one to blame but himself. He was the one who started the no touching rule. It had gotten worst in the last three months. Where it had started as being a foot between them it had grown to nearly three feet since that night he came home.

How they were going to survive a car ride Jim was unsure. However, he led the way to Spock's car and got in the passenger side. He felt his heart race as Spock got in on the other side. He could do this. It was a simple ride to work. It wouldn't kill him. Unless they crashed. As morbid as that was it made him chuckle. The numb feeling easing just a bit. Jim smiled as Spock gave him a questioning look.

"Nothing Spock. Just a really bad joke in my head. Aren't you late for work? You go in before me." This time he shifted so he was sitting facing the other male instead of looking out the window.

A green hue spread across Spock's throat and up his face. "I…may have rearranged my schedule last night so I could drive you in to work this morning." His hands tightening on the wheel of the car.

Jim laughed which only made the green grow darker. He shouldn't be laughing but he hadn't laughed in a long time. "Why Spock I think you might care about me." It was the wrong thing to say as he watched his bondmate close off. He cursed again. "Spock I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that." When the other male didn't respond he lean forward and lightly touched his bondmate's arm. His hands shook a little. "Spock. I know you care about me. I know. You would have left already if you didn't. It was meant as a joke and I am sorry I said it."

Spock looked down at the hand that was on his arm. Carefully placed so no skin was touching his own. To prevent the emotions from coming over. He sighed and nodded. "I know Jim." He wished he could take that hand in his own. He knew it would make Jim close off so he kept his hands on the steering wheel.

Both kept silent as they continued the drive. Jim stared out the window the whole time as they drove. Both unable to say a word to each other. As they pulled up to Star Fleet headquarters Jim looked back at Spock. "So…will you be teaching at all today?" He didn't want the last thing Spock heard from him to be him questioning Spock's care for him.

Spock looked at the young man standing there leaning against the open door. "Yes. I will be missing the first two classes but I will teach the third and fourth class before lunch. You still take lunch at noon yes?"

Jim nodded. He would find a way to eat lunch even if it made him sick. "Make it one o'clock. I know your class doesn't end until twelve forty-five. I don't want you to end it early for me. I can take a late lunch."

They stared at each other waiting for the other to say something. Jim cleared his throat and smiled. He waved at Spock before going into headquarters. On his way up to his office he groaned. He would have to eat something because he told Spock he would. Turning he went to the staff lounge where he knew he could swipe a free muffin. Normally he liked muffins but it tasted like ash on his tongue.

Sill Jim finished it as he walked to his office. He set down his things and got to reading the new reports. He had thought he would be done reading reports when he was no longer a captain. Well the good news was he wasn't the one on the other side of these reports fretting over what the higher ups would say. It felt good to make someone else worry for a change.

Looking at the photos that surrounded his office he felt the pang of longing. He missed space. He regretted giving up the enterprise. Everyone had gone their own way when they came back to Earth. They still kept in touch with each other but it wasn't the same. Jim had felt his mind wondering as the clock ticked by. He sighed as he stretched his back. He had gone over the same report five times and still did not know what it said.

There came a soft knock on his door. "Enter." Jim called out as he tried to read the passage over again. He glanced up when he heard the door open before looking back down at the report. His head quickly jerked back up as he stared at Spock. "Spock? What are you doing here? We were supposed to meet at one."

That infuriating eyebrow rose. "We were. It is currently one fifteen. I wanted to see what was keeping you. Unless you have decided you do not wish to have lunch with me. I can leave if that is what you want."

Jim looked to the clock and cursed. "No! Sorry. I just didn't realize what time it was. I want to have lunch with you. Give me a second and I will be ready to go." He stood and put the PADDs away. He would read them later. Perhaps he should bring one just in case they couldn't talk to each other again? No he couldn't do that. It would be just come off as him not wanting to do this.

Spock nodded and waited for him to get ready. "Since there are a few choices around here I will let you decide where you want to go."

Inwardly Jim groaned. He didn't want to decide on food. He didn't even want to think about food. His stomach still protested him eating the muffin. "Um…how about the Indian place two block down?" It was the first vegetarian place he could think of.

"That is acceptable." Spock said before turning and leading the way to his car.

Author's note: It felt like a good place to stop. Next chapter we get into the actual lunch date and discussing help. No Spock is not an idiot. He is going to realize Jim isn't eating like he should. Remember this is going to be a very long road. There will be no promises of when I will update this fic. I am hoping to have at least a chapter up every week since I have been keeping them short. I have a full time job that loves to put you on overtime. Love the pay but not the hours and feeling tired all the time. See you next time.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Please Don't Leave

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: Not sure on what the warning should be. After all, if I tell you it would spoil the story. But let's just say minor freak-out.

 **Edit: 12/22/16 My amazing beta has checked this and has made it much better.**

The smell of spices was nearly overpowering to Spock as they walked into the Indian restaurant. Out of everything that was close it was the only place that served vegan food. They found a booth in the back away from everyone else, Jim taking the seat facing the restaurant dining room. It would give them privacy to talk. Both sat silently. Nether knew what to say. It was as if they hadn't started speaking to each other again. Jim sat fiddling with his sleeves not looking up at him while Spock pretended to read the menu.

"Um-"

"I believe-"

They shared a small smile. "You go first." Cerulean eyes finally met his own brown as Jim spoke.

Spock nodded knowing it would be pointless to argue. "How about we order first and then talk?" Spock asked lightly. Jim nodded before picking up the menu.

They sat in silence again but this time it wasn't as strained as it had been. As the waiter came and took their orders Spock watched his bondmate. The younger male seemed distracted. He was picking at his sleeves again. "Jim are you ill?"

Surprised by the sudden question Jim looked up at Spock. "No? Not that I can think of. Why?" He had stopped fidgeting and sipped his water.

The Vulcan waited until he set the glass down before answering. "You skin isn't as tan as it normally is. You haven't been sleeping well again…and you just ordered a small salad. Combine that with how distracted you are and the fact that you ate only an apple this morning I am concerned that you may have gotten sick."

A light chuckle escaped Jims lips. "Maybe. Don't worry I'll take care of myself. I just wasn't that hungry. Still not. And I had a muffin when I got to work." The silence descended down on them once again as they waited for the food. Both sneaking glances at the other when they thought the other person wasn't looking.

The waiter came back and placed the bowl of salad in front of Jim while setting the vegan curry dish in front of Spock. Spock watched as Jim pushed the vegetables around while Spock himself ate. After a few minutes of simple eating Spock set his PADD on the table. "Here are the list of candidates that showed promise."

Spock continued to eat while Jim read over the list and butchered the vegetables with his fork without eating them. His eyebrow climbed his forehead as he watched Jim drown the salad in dressing. "Jim perhaps you should go see a doctor."

The blonde shook his head. "I'm alright Spock." He continued scrolling down the list as he picked up a forkful of the butchered salad, brought it to his lips before placing it in his bowl only to repeat the process over again. Finally, Jim gave up pretending to eat all together as he laid the fork down. "What about the third from the top? He seems good."

Nodding the older male set down his spoon watching his bondmate. "Perhaps. He does seem to have high reviews and his skills are not lacking." Having memorized the list and everyone on it Spock did not need to look at the PADD to know to whom Jim was referring to. He was one of the best in his field.

Jim looked up from the PADD and fixed his eyes on the man sitting across from him. "I hear a but coming. What is it?" The corners of his lips edged up into a smile.

"He…has only had human clients. Though he is good, I do not think he would be able to help us enough." He felt a sense of relief that Jim understood when his eyes widen and then nodded. "I think the fifth one is good as well. However, they pose the same problem. They have only had experience with other non-human races."

Jim laid the PADD between them and pointed to another name. This one close to the bottom of the list. "What about this one? She seems good. She has a good track record. Her credentials are high. She graduated the top of her class. Even comes from a mixed species family." The like you went unsaid as they both read over her file.

Spock had thought about her as well. She had both non-human and human clients. There were even mixed relationships like Jim and himself. She had a few clients that had been of the same sex. Although that was not as much of an issue as it had been in the past there were some difficulties of being in a same sex relationship. The most common one being children. The down side that Spock saw from her was that most of those relationships had ended in divorce. Spock did not know if that was caused by the lack of skill on her part or if the clients problems had been too great.

The Vulcan reached for the PADD and their fingertips brushed against each other. Revulsion, fear, guilt, sadness, hope. They hit Spock like a ten-ton truck in the gut winding him as much as if he truly had been hit. Quickly before anything else came through Jim removed his hand, cradling it as if it had been burned.

Spock sat back watching as the human's eyes darted around never landing on anything for more than two seconds. "Jim." His fingers clinched and relaxed as he struggled with reaching out to his mate or pulling further away.

The human jumped out of his seat. "I'm sorry…I can't do this right now Spock." His voice broke and he turned away, making his exit of the building. Spock quickly paid for their meal and went after his bondmate. "I can't right now Spock. I just can't." The male turned to face him. "I'll see you after work. I am fine walking back on my own. Please…just…not right now."

After a long moment Spock nodded. He almost didn't but those blue eyes begged him to let him go even as every shield Jim had learned was slamming in place in his mind shutting Spock out. "As you wish Jim. Be careful on your way." Jim gave a bitter laugh as he looked anywhere but at Spock. "Jim?"

Shaking his head, the human turned away. "Nothing Spock. See you after work. Promise." He gave a small smile and kept walking.

Spock watched him until he turned down the road. He sighed lightly. Being around humans had given him bad habits. Gripping his PADD tightly he turned and walked back to where he parked his car. His mind was distracted as he returned to finish the day's classes. When he finally returned home that night it was to his mate sleeping on the couch. Jim must have stayed up to try to talk to him.

Spotting the cup of whisky Spock walked over to his mate. His eyes were puffy and red. A common occurrence for those who over indulged in alcohol. His bondmate would likely be in need of a pain reliever in the morning. Spock turned and retrieved the bottle from the cabinet before laying it on the table by Jim. It was, to human standards, warm in the house but he knew Jim liked to sleep with at least a sheet on. Going to the hall closet he removed a sheet and blanket. The Vulcan placed the blanket over Jim's relaxed form before laying the blanket at his feet.

Jim stirred and pressed his face to the couch pillow. "Spock…" He whimpered like an animal that had been struck before letting out a sob. "Don't…" Spock quickly took several steps back before leaving Jim. Of course he would have nightmares. Spock had touched him today. Jim always had nightmares after they touched now. Spock let out a Vulcan curse before going to his room. He sat on the edge of his bed. There was no way he could sleep after hearing that sound from Jim's lips. Not after knowing he was the one to put it there.

"Nights like this I wished you had not died Selek. You could tell me what to do. How to fix this. You must have…gone through something like this with your Jim." He rested his forehead against his clasped hands trying hard to clear his mind. "How did you two get passed this?"

He rubbed his hands down his face asking himself why he had even started this relationship in the first place. Hearing the male whimper from the other room made his heart hurt but it also reminded him of the why. It was because he loved him and wished to protect him for the rest of Jim's life. That same reason kept him from walking away even though this was killing both of them. He loved Jim even after everything they have been through these five months.

Spock cringed as Jim screamed his name in terror. As much as the Vulcan wished to go to Jim he knew from experience that his touch was not welcomed during or after the nightmares. He just hoped Jim would wake up soon. He sat awake as he heard his bondmate beg and scream. At one point the glass of whisky crashing to the floor as Jim's hand struck it.

When the sound of a body hitting the floor reached his ears Spock was out of his bed and to the door. He didn't open it. It was too soon to check on Jim. He counted Jim's labored breaths. What felt like an eternity passed as he waited for Jim to calm down. He listened as the male picked himself up from the floor before those footsteps came to his door.

"Spock? You awake?" He should answer him. He felt Jim lean against the door. "Probably not…I'm sorry. I am so sorry. For that night." Spock heard the hitch in Jim's breath. "I shouldn't have left that night. I…still love you _ashayam._ God I always will love you. I am so pathetic. I can't even say those words to you now. Just…please don't leave me."

Author's Note 2: For those of you wondering yes I do know how night terrors work. I've had them growing up. They got so bad I was afraid to sleep. That in turn made me stay up for days on end. I cannot control my dreams or realize I am dreaming until I wake up. I started taking medication for them until it was clear I was allergic to the medication. I don't have them as often now but I still have one or two a week. My mother has learned not to touch me while I am sleeping because I can't control if I lash out until it is too late to stop myself from hurting her. Thankfully she understands because she has the same problem. I am saying this because you do talk in your sleep. You lash out or scream. I have woken up sobbing while staying the night at a friend's house. Needless to say I was embarrassed. So yes I do know how some people react while having night terrors.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Not What Was Promised

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: Language and blood.

 **Edit: I have a beta and she has made this amazing.**

Jim found himself on the floor screaming. He yanked at the sheet until it was untangled from his legs. He sat there panting for a moment. His heart slowing back to a normal pace. Looking around he checked for any hidden enemies. Finally, he leaned back against the couch. That dream again. Damn he hated that dream. Shaking he pushed himself up from the floor.

His hand landed in something wet and he hissed. A shard of glass cutting his skin. His other came into contact with the plush blanket still on the couch. He hadn't remembered grabbing a blanket or a sheet. He didn't remember falling asleep either. Not that his mind had been altered by drinking. Jim couldn't even bring the stuff up to his lips without retching. He laughed a little at that. Bones would be happy that he couldn't drink anymore.

The blonde ran his fingers over the blanket. It had to be from Spock. That was just what he needed. Spock to think he was drinking again. He ran his fingers through his hair huffing. Today was supposed to be about them getting help and he had to go and ruin it. He ruined a lot of things. This was just the icing on the cake. Getting to his feet he walked down the hall and stood outside of Spock door.

"Spock? You awake?" Jim asked softly and almost knocked. He raised his hand and noticed the blood dripping from the cut. He still hadn't taken the glass out. He leaned against the door and applied pressure on the cut. "Probably not…I'm sorry. I am so sorry. For that night." His breath hitched as his eyes burned. He wouldn't cry. Damn it he had cried enough today. Over something as simple as being touched. On the hand! It wasn't like it was on purpose. "I shouldn't have left that night. I…still love you _ashayam._ God I always will love you. I am so pathetic. I can't even say those words to you now. Just…please don't leave me."

He swallowed hard before getting ready to push away from the door. Jim nearly tumbled backwards as the door opened. A strong arm around his waist stopped him. He glanced up and over his shoulder to stare at Spock. Had he heard everything? Jim felt the panic start to rise again.

"Were you awake?" Jim asked softly wanting the floor to open up and swallow him. Better yet he would rather a Klingon invasion happened right now so he wouldn't have to face Spock's reaction to his words. He knew he would agree with him.

"I smelled blood. I came to see if you were alright." Spock answered as he removed his hand from Jim's waist. "May I see?"

Jim held his hand against himself for a moment before slowly uncurling his fingers to let the Vulcan see. "It isn't that bad really. It won't need stitches."

He followed Spock into the kitchen. His heart raced as Spock hesitated to take his wrist and place it under the running water. He hissed as the water stung the wound. It wasn't all that bad considering he had been a captain of a star ship. Jim hopped up on the counter as Spock went to get the first aid kit from the second bathroom.

'Why didn't he just take me in there instead? Would have been easier. And it would have been a small enclosed space.' Jim though as he watched his hand bleed. He hung his head. 'Course he wouldn't do that. He was giving me enough space that I can get away if I wanted to.'

Jim looked up as Spock came back with the kit in hand. One black eyebrow rose as he came closer. "Is there a reason you have your hand in front of you instead of over the sink? You are bleeding all over the place."

The blonde blushed before quickly putting his hand back over the sink. "Sorry. I wasn't thinking about it." It was then that he noticed the puddle on the ground and then the smaller puddles that lead down the hall. He grimaced. "I didn't realize I was bleeding that badly,"

Spock set the kit on the counter and looked up at Jim, the counter giving Jim nearly a foot on him. "Alcohol does make human blood thinner." He took the towel he grabbed form the bathroom and wrapped it around Jim's hand.

"That would be great if I had been drinking. I poured the glass but I never drank it Spock." He watched as those brown eyes widen slightly. "I know you can tell when I am lying. Heart rate, sweating, and all that. I wasn't drink tonight. I wanted to but…" He shrugged his shoulders.

Spock pressed down on the towel just enough to help stop the flow of blood. It would have been better if they had dermal regenerators but they were no longer on a star ship. Unless they wanted to go to the hospital they would have to stick with bandages and ointment. After a few minutes Spock pulled back the now red towel and frowned. Jim's hand was still bleeding. He pressed the towel back on the wound and went back to the bathroom.

The second towel was soaked just as quickly as the first with no sign of slowing. They wrapped a fresh towel on Jim's hand before getting in the car and driving to the closes clinic. It wasn't really busy but by the time they were ushered into the back and a doctor came in Jim was starting to feel dizzy. Spock stepped out to get Jim a bottle of water as the doctor ran some scans.

"Have you been eating right?" The doctor asked as he looked at the results.

Jim thought about lying. He should because the doctor was likely to tell Spock and he just couldn't deal with that on top of everything else. "No not really. I've been a little busy lately."

The doctor nodded. "That is what I thought. Losing a lot of weight and not eating right can cause anemia. I am assuming you are not sleeping as well. You are showing the beginning signs of sleep deprivation. I would recommend that you have a blood transfusion. You lost a lot of blood."

Jim groaned as he laid back against the bed. He just wanted to go home and go to bed. He knew he would receive hell if he tried to leave without further treatment. "Fine. Go ahead and stick me with a needle and be done with it." He looked at the door as the doctor pressed the needle into his arm. "I don't suppose you'll keep this from my bondmate would you?"

The doctor looked at Jim. "If you want me to keep it from him I am obligated to. Patient confidentiality. Currently you are not in danger of dying or in need of further medical assistants. I would have to bring it up to him then but for now you are safe."

Jim nodded and watched the door open. Spock came in with the bottle of water and he smiled. "Thanks. Looks like I will be staying the night here. You don't have to wait for me. I know you have to get up early."

It was strange how they fell right back into taking care of each other after five months of not talking to each other. Spock shook his head and sat in the chair as the doctor left them alone. "I will stay Jim. You lost nearly three pints of blood. From a cut that did not even need stitches."

Jim grinned as he sipped his water. "At least you're not giving me exact numbers." He groaned and got comfortable on the bed as Spock glared at him. "Not an insult Spock. I mean it. I like that you haven't gone all exact and logical on me. It means you still care…you're not trying to hide…by the way don't lose two and a half pints of blood it makes you feel drunk. Not in the fun way either."

His heart was fluttering and he felt cold. The office was chilly but that was every hospital. He hated the cold as much as he hated the heat. Why couldn't anything every be just warm? He looked up at Spock who took the bottle of water from his hands before he could spill it.

"Get some rest Jim. Think of it as an away mission. I will keep watch and make sure nothing bad happens." Spock's voice soothed him. He had missed that voice so much that he would play old videos just to hear it.

Jim curled into the single blanket over his waist. He had never told Spock why he hated hospitals. Even Bones didn't know. Not because he didn't want to tell them but because it was all classified. "Alright, but wake me up in a few hours. You need to sleep too and I slept earlier."

Spock just watched him for a moment. "Though you slept I doubt it was very restful Jim." Before the human could argue he yawned and his eyes drifted closed.

Jim awoke to the sound of soft breathing. It wasn't his own. He tended to snore if he wasn't in his own bed. He had mostly stopped when Spock slept with him. However, that may have been because Jim would use Spock as his personal pillow. Spock's shoulder or chest would prop his head up enough that he would sleep soundly through the night.

He looked around the room. It hadn't been too long since they got here. A couple of hours from the clock on the wall. He sighed and looked down at Spock who had fallen asleep in the chair. His arms crossed over his chest. He had come a long way from the computer that he tried to be. Grinning Jim took a photo and sent it to Bones.

The blonde watched as Spock slept. He was still hooked to the IV which didn't really surprise him. He was feeling better though. His communicator lit up with a new message.

 **Why are you sending me pictures of the hobgoblin sleeping? And what in hell did you do to land your ass in the hospital?**

 **~ Bones**

Jim chuckled a little and leaned back against the pillow. He would have to give it to the man. How he knew he was in the hospital Jim would never know. It wasn't like he had sent a picture of any medical supplies.

 **Cut my hand on a shard of glass. It bled a lot even though it wasn't that deep or big so he took me to the hospital. Doesn't he look cute sleeping like that?**

 **~Jim**

Jim waited for the next message. It was nice to talk to Bones. He had been neglecting everyone lately. If he bothered to text anyone it was either to ask a question or to give a one-word reply.

 **Damn it Jim have you been taking care of yourself? You shouldn't bleed like that! You didn't pick up some diseases I don't know about did you? And in what universe do you think I would find the green-blooded hobgoblin cute? Well at least it wasn't a picture of him sleeping while you had a baby.**

 **~Bones**

Jim laughed. He laughed so hard that he couldn't stop and it hurt his sides. The down side to his laughing was it woke up Spock. "Sorry Spock. Bones thinks we are having a baby."

Spock's eyebrow rose as he straitened in his chair. "Why would he under the impression we were having a child?"

The blonde blushed and look down. "I may have sent him a picture of you sleeping in the chair. It was cute, I couldn't resist." If Spock was one to roll his eyes it was obvious by the look on his face that he would have done it in that moment.

 **How did you know we were at the hospital? And we can't have children. We are both male. Neither of us come from any spices that can procreate like that. He is cute and you just can't admit it**

 **~Jim**

"He is right we are having a child. A thirty-three-year-old one that finds this to be funny." Spock said as he watched Jim type with one hand. His eyes took in the amount of blood left. "They changed out your bag. Twice."

Jim winced and looked up from the small device on his lap. "Yeah?" He shrugged. "Have to find humor somewhere. Even if it is at my own expense."

They were both silent. Small jibs like that wouldn't normally bother either of them. Now they felt like personal attacks. It hurt. His communicator lit up again. Wanting a distraction Jim read the text and wished he hadn't.

 **Three words for you Jimbo. First Ectogenesis. The other two uterus transplant. Granted you would need to have a way to connect the uterus to an opening and make sure the proper blood vessels are there to support proper functioning of the new organ. They started this in the twenty first century Jim. It isn't used commonly and after the third world war and all that it wasn't looked into anymore. I just preformed my first transplant a week ago. It is still very experimental right now. Hormone treatment and all that.**

 **~Bones**

Jim set his communicator down and just stared at it. They could have children together. Not with a surrogate but one of them could actually carry children. They had talked about it before. Both agreed that it was too risky. Which of them would donate? Would they use a friend to act as a surrogate mother? If they used an outside source would the woman try to exploit them for money or worst, not give up the child? There were so many possibilities that they chose not to have children. There was also the fact that Jim was human. If they had a Vulcan child, then he would die long before both of them. If they had a human child that child would die before Spock and Jim just couldn't do that to him.

"Jim, may I inquire as to why you seem to be close to a panic attack?" Spock's voice broke through the onslaught of thoughts running rampant in Jim's mind.

The blonde forced a smile to his face not really feeling up to it. "Bones preformed his first ever uterus transplant into a male host. Whoever he is, is expecting a child in the future."

He watched as Spock's faced changed. Yeah he thought the same thing. If they had found this out sooner than these last five months wouldn't have happened. This really wasn't the path that they were promised and it sucked. Jim hated the look on Spock's face.

"I…I will get you a bottle of water." Spock said quickly and left. Neither mentioning the fact that Jim still had a full one sitting on the counter.

Author's Note: ectogenesis is a real thing. Currently we are working on it for women who cannot have children of their own for various reasons. Also uterus transplants have been looked at for both women who have either been born without a uterus or has had to have hers removed. Right now it would be dangerous as the person who had the transplant would have to go on medication to prevent their body from rejecting the organ which would lower their chances of fighting off infections. Currently it is not worth the risk. However, with the advancement of sciences in Star Trek I believe it would be possible to create the needed organ form the host which would in fact negate the need for medication. Which they have done in the shows before. There are many theories and test we are working on right now to allow two men or two women to have children together. One would be to remove the female's DNA from the nuclei of the egg and replace it with one male's DNA before introducing the sperm from the other. I read too many science journals.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Breathe

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

Author Note: Just to inform you the first arc to this story will likely conclude around chapter 20 or so. It may be less or it may be more. Feedback would be welcomed. Are you guy's interested in the story? Is there something you would like to see? I do take in consideration my readers desires as well. I do plan on giving flash backs to happier times but if you don't want that let me know. No guaranties that I will keep them out but I will consider how often I put them in. Also what would you guys like to see? I won't be an author that begs for reviews but they are kind of important for us. We have no idea if what we are writing is keeping you entertained. First flash back might be around chapter ten or so.

WARNINGS: Suicide thoughts. Blood. Eating disorder. Foul language.

 **Edit: 12/22/16 My beta reader has made this better.**

It had been three weeks since Jim's stay in the hospital. It had been three weeks since Spock had walked out of that room. It was as if the talk about counseling had never happened. They were no longer talking to each other again. They danced around each other as if they had some contagious disease. It wasn't helping Jim very much at all. He had dropped another four pounds which put him at a hundred and forty pounds. That wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't six foot.

He honestly hated looking into a mirror right now. He wasn't exactly skinny but he had lost a lot of muscle mass. His hands and face had thinned out. He was constantly dizzy and felt that he could be pushed over with a strong enough wind. Jim lost count of the times he had to stop on a walk because he couldn't breathe. He was anemic and it was getting bad. It took forever for anything to heal on its own. The blonde had barely bumped his arm the other day and it left a bruise as if he had been struck by a baseball bat.

Jim started to wear looser clothes to hide the loss in weight. Thankfully the drop in temperature made adding layers to his outfit necessary. If he wore sweaters around the house all the time now, he could easily say he was cold. But they were not talking so he knew he wouldn't get asked. Spock wouldn't even notice the weight loss because he wouldn't even look at Jim now.

He was in the kitchen cutting vegetables for dinner. He would likely not eat it but at least Spock would have dinner when he came home. It was taking him twice as long as it normally would to just prepare dinner. He still had to cook it. The blade he had been using slipped and cut his thumb. Without much thought he placed the bleeding thumb in his mouth as he took the knife to the sink. It wasn't that deep but like the glass shard he bled a lot. Too much to keep the finger in his mouth.

As he put it over the sink he was fascinated by the way the blood flowed over his skin. With the back of the hand that held the knife he flicked on the water. It was strange. He had always hated bleeding. It reminded him too much of the past, but now? He couldn't help but watch and wonder. 'Would it be so bad if I just cut the veins in my wrist? All of it would be over. I would bleed out quickly. Probably take longer than a minute but not that long with how easy I bleed lately. It's like falling asleep. I've nearly bled out a few times. Sure it scared me but when it got down to the last bit it wasn't so bad anymore. It would hurt but-'

He felt the wrist holding the knife jerked back and painfully twisted until he dropped the blade. It clattered to the ground and he heard a shoe kick it away. It made a clacking sound as it hit the counter not too far away from him. Jim let out a pained gasp before his mind screamed at him to get away. He kicked, punched, screamed, and even scratched until whoever had him let him go. It lacked all of the finesse that a Star Fleet officer was trained for.

Jim felt ill as his mind filled with things he would rather forget. Strong arms pinning him down. The feeling of hands closing around his throat cutting off any source of air. Pain flaring through his body as- He refused to think of those memories. He wouldn't let them control him.

Jim shoved hard against the looming body and they moved away from him. He quickly put distance between him and…Spock? "Damn it Spock! Are you trying to scare the living daylights out of me?" He practically screamed at him.

The look of pain on Spock's face made Jim calm down some. He had no idea why Spock would wear that expression and that helped ground his mind into the here and now. His breathing was still painful as he forced it to slow down. He didn't need to hyperventilate. "And what about you Jim? Were you trying to scare me? Because it worked."

Placing a hand over his pounding heart Jim stared at Spock like he had gone crazy. "What? How did I scare you? You are the one that came up behind me and spooked the living hell out of me."

Spock slowly knelt and picked up the knife tossing it into the sink as if even touching it made his hands burn. "Then tell me why you were thinking of killing yourself." He met his bondmate's widening eyes.

"Spock…damn it…I hate it when you just read my mind without…just because I thought it once does not mean I am going to do it. Human's get depressed Spock. It is a part of being human. I can't help it. But it does not mean I will act on those thoughts." When Spock just stared at him he growled and threw his hands in the air forgetting that his thumb was still bleeding.

"That's why, right there! You won't talk to me. You barely acknowledge I exist. I know I screwed up but…please. I need you to fucking talk to me! I regret going out that night. But you were not talking to me Spock. I wanted to get drunk so I could forget that for one moment I didn't have an insensitive prick for a husband." He cursed as Spock's face closed off. "You know I didn't mean that Spock. You scared the hell out of me by touching me-"

"But another's touch is acceptable Jim? You slept with another man after…if you want to talk let's talk about that. The very thought of my touch made you cringe. You wouldn't let me come anywhere near you let alone see you in anything less than clothes that cover your entire body. Let's talk about the drink-"

Jim scoffed and took several steps forward as if proving a point. "One I don't want to talk about that night. Two did you ever think about how I felt?" He jabbed a finger into the unrelenting chest of his bondmate. "I understand that it wasn't you, you but it was still your body. It was still your face Spock. You held me down and wouldn't let me up. For over a week Spock. It wasn't just a couple of days like we thought. I know I said I could handle it. I was wrong but the bond was new to both of us. I understood that just as I know you couldn't help it.

That does not mean that it didn't hurt. That it would take time before I could get over that. Spock it wasn't just rough sex. I could handle that. We've gotten wild before. It scares the hell out of me that I wanted it every time you took me. I was scared Spock, and the bond made me into a puddle of nerve endings that wanted to please you and damn myself because I couldn't give you what you wanted. I lost control over myself Spock and that really scares me. But the worst of it was when you tried to kill me. You had your hands around my throat and was strangling the life out of me. Because I prayed that it would end."

Jim watched as pain and regret flashed across Spock's face. Jim looked away and clinched his hands. "I'm sorry Spock…I…shit. I didn't mean for that to come out like that."

The blonde's head shot up as a single thought passed through the link. "Don't you dare. You…Please Spock…don't. You can't leave." His voice dropped below a whisper but he knew Spock could hear him. "We can work through this…Please?" His eyes burned as tears began to fall down his face to drip off his chin.

Spock took a step forward before wrapping Jim in a light hug. His arms careful not to constrict him so he wouldn't feel trapped. He rested his head on top of Jim's. Every move purposefully drawn out so the smaller male could run if he wanted to. "I won't. As you said, it was just a thought." A thought that unlike the human wasn't just random. "We will go to counseling and if…If that does not work-"

Jim shook his head. "It has to. I can't lose you. I need you Spock." He held onto the fabric of Spock's shirt as if it was a life line. He couldn't stop the tears. They were beginning to turn into big ugly sobs. He felt a giggle slip out and clamped his hand over his mouth. Was he? Surely not. James T. Kirk did not have anxiety attacks. Or at least he would never admit to having them.

He felt Spock's arms tighten just a little bit and that was bad. Really bad. He shoved him hard and took several steps away. His vision was growing spotty and black in places. Jim couldn't get in enough air. His hand was shaking as he tried to keep his mouth covered. He tried to just breath though his nose. Logically he knew to stop the attack he had to control his breathing but he just couldn't. Jim crashed to his knees and everything went black.

Spock rushed to his bondmate as he fell to his knees and then to the floor. He would have bruises in the morning. Spock lifted Jim and froze. Jim was too light. He had to have lost weight. Close to forty pounds if he calculated it correctly from the last physical Jim had. He carried the unconscious male to Jim's bedroom. He would have a head ache when he woke up but other than that he would be fine. Unless he had another anxiety attack when he awoken.

Most believe that Vulcans cannot feel. That was because of a mistranslation caused years ago that went unfixed. Where it would say Vulcans lacked emotions in truth it meant they mastered their emotions and prevented them from clouding their judgment. He had failed horribly at mastering his emotions. If he had, then he would have noticed the dark rings under his bondmate's eyes. He would have noticed the way Jim's skin was no longer golden but pale. Much paler then it has ever been before.

Spock would have noticed the lack of healthy shine to Jim's hair. He should have noticed the drop in weight. He was a poor excuse of a bondmate if he couldn't even notice how much his mate had detreated. With gentle hands he pushed Jim's sweater and shirt up and winced. He couldn't see ribs yet but he was sure if Jim raised his hands over his head they would show. How couldn't he have noticed this? He had but he ignored it. That was the only possible explanation.

He ran his hand over Jim's side assessing just how much his body had lost. It wasn't good. Any more weight loss and he could be hospitalized. He should be hospitalized. His body was covered in bruises from where Jim had run into things. He had never bruised this easy. He pulled the shirt and sweater back down over the exposed stomach before pushing up each sleeve.

Only when he was sure there were no self-inflicted wounds on his wrist did Spock feel comfortable enough to leave Jim's side. He pulled the sleeves in place before getting up from the bed. The bleeding from Jim's thumb had stopped. It would stain the blanket but that did not matter right now. He walked into the kitchen before placing a call. Four rings later and Doctor McCoy answered cursing at him about the time.

"Forgive me doctor I know it is late. I am worried about Jim. He…" This was a break of trust on the largest level but he needed someone else who was more qualified to help. "I believe he is suffering from depression and lack of nutrition. I know you are not a psychiatrist but is there something you can do?"

For three point two minutes McCoy didn't answer. "Well damn that explains a lot. He hasn't really been talking to me. Figured something was going on when he sent me that text of you. I just didn't want to push too much. He runs when you press too hard. Look I can't come down right now. One, he would kill us both. You for calling, me for coming. Two I have work. I can't just up and leave at the moment. How serious are we talking here? I need symptoms before I can do anything."

Spock could hear shuffling on the other end. "I think he might not be eating as he should. From my calculations he has nearly lost forty pounds. He bruises easy now. He cut his thumb preparing dinner on a knife and it bled a lot. It closed on its own after ten minutes. Jim has had difficulty breathing when he stands for more than three to five minutes."

The sound of keys being pressed on a computer echoed through the phone. "Sound like he is anemic. I know he went vegetarian which isn't going to help him in this case. If you can get him to eat, try to get him to eat things high in iron. Like nuts…which he has an allergy to most of them. Damn it. That limits the food he can get what he needs from. Give him oranges, apricots, and beets. Look up other beta-carotene enriched food. Don't let him have milk or any other dairy products. It actually hinders the absorption of iron. Alright, so let's move on. Has he tried to harm himself?"

Spock though about the last six months. Nothing stuck out like it did today but that didn't mean he hadn't when Spock was away. "He thought about it today. There may have been a time four months ago." He recalled how Jim had taken off on his bike that night. He had been positive the human was going to kill himself. "Possibly two months before that as well."

There was silence on the other end for a moment. "Did he tell you this? Forgive me for saying this but you sound scared. If it was just him thinking about him hurting himself, I don't think you would be calling me. What's going on Spock?"

The Vulcan rubbed his face and leaned against the counter. He could still see in the bedroom. He would know when Jim woke up. "We are…fighting. We talked about seeking counseling but we…have yet to pursue it." It hurt to admit that they were having problems but McCoy was a friend to both of them and he wouldn't tell anyone else.

A string of cursing that could make a sailor blush came over the phone. "Damn it you green-blooded hobgoblin why didn't you call me sooner? Take my advice, go to counseling. If you think you need it then you do. Get Jim into a private counselor too. Just don't let him know or he will skin us alive. I will be there in two weeks. I have cleared all my appointments and booked a fight. But I can't miss this last appointment. Jim told you about the two men having a baby that I am working with right? Well the mother for lack of a better term is due for a checkup and is at risk of losing the child. I can't exactly leave him hanging. As soon as I get him settled I'll be there.

Just keep an eye on him. Take anything sharp or potentially deadly out of his reach. Get him into counseling and get Jim on vitamins. They will help until I can get there." McCoy was silent for a moment. "Spock…take care of him okay? He is a brother to me. You guys are my family. I don't want to lose either of you. I will help where I can, but you have always been the one that he listens to. Take care."

Spock felt his throat close for a moment. The crew of the Enterprise had become family and he did not want to lose them. "You as well Leonard." With that he ended the call and quickly dialed another number. This one answered on the first ring.

"Doctor Jones office. How can I help you?" A woman's voice spoke as if it wasn't nine at night but earlier.

Spock swallowed and for the first time in months he felt he could breathe again. "I would like schedule an appointment for me and my bondmate. Dr. Jones, your profile on your website offers individual counseling, I would also like to set that up as well."

The woman on the other end gave a small chuckle. "Well as flattered as I am that you think I am the doctor I am just her assistant. I'll let her know. Doctor's don't answer the clinic phone. What name can I put you under?"

"S'chn T'gai Spock and James Kirk." He had made sure this doctor was reputable and discreet before he decided to put her on the list of names. Spock did not want the world to find out about their problems. After all, even after they came back from their five-year mission they were still bombarded with the press.

Author's note 2: I used the only name I found for Spock's first name. Writing for Spock is hard. Mostly because I speak with improper English. I have to read his parts over and over because they don't seem right. However, I figured he would have changed just a little from his time with humans as did Spock Prime. So maybe the way he speaks is believable? Let me know what you think. Also all the facts about what helps or hinders iron absorption is true. I do research before I add something. On the plus side we finally get to the counseling. Dark times ahead people. Time to bring out the chocolates, fuzzy blankets, and other comforts. It will get a LOT darker before it gets better. (I am not meaning character deaths either. I am not that cruel for my first fanfic.) Also I am going to try to double the word count for the next chapter so I may take a little longer to get out. Sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Save Me From Myself

Disclaimer: Again, I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I have a beta finally! Also the other chapters have been checked and will be edited when I get a moment. I do plan on changing the first chapter. I also plan on lengthening the chapters I have already posted. Big shout out to Tanseynz for being my first reviewer and Azaraile for being my Beta.

WARNINGS: Talking about suicide. Eating disorder. General unpleasantness of being in a relationship that has been derailed and trying to mend it.

Jim groaned as he came to. His head pounded like he got in a bar fight with a Klingon and lost. He cracked an eye open before deciding that he really did not want to do that. He felt light-headed and a little ill. The blonde blinked until he could keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds. He slowly shifted in bed before he realized he was in his own bed. Tucked in, safe and warm. His eyes scanned the room before he heard the soft sound of Spock walking.

It took a few seconds before the Vulcan stepped into the doorway. Both could not find the words they wanted to say to each other. "Um…Thanks for carrying me to bed. I guess I hit my head? It sort of feels like I did."

Spock nodded. "You did after you fainted." He arched an eyebrow when the human groaned and flopped back on the bed. "What Jim?"

The blonde looked up from his spot on the bed, moving his arm from over his eyes. "Do you have to say I fainted like I am some girl in those old movies? You know the ones where the prince saves her from some monster?"

A small smile formed on Spock lips. He could picture that quite clearly. He had saved Jim's life countless times over their Star Fleet careers. Though to be fair Jim had saved his just as many. Maybe they were both the girl who needed rescuing from the monster? He chuckled a little which got Jim's attention. "Alright, what would you like me to call it?"

Jim propped himself up a little. "I don't know, lost consciousness? It means the same, just a little less pathetic." They sat in silence but it wasn't as bad as it had been. "Hey Spock…can I ask a favor of you?" When Spock gave a nod he smiled. He waved his hand to bring Spock closer to him. When Spock was within reaching distance he grabbed his arm and pulled. He knew Spock let him pull him to the bed but he really didn't care as he curled up against the cool body next to him.

"Jim…" Spock's voice held concern. He could hear how fast Jim's heart was racing. He could feel the tremble in his body. He could sense the fear that Jim felt. He started to move away. Spock did not want to cause the human anymore stress.

Jim's arms wrapped around him tighter. "Just shut up for a while and hold me. Don't…think. Just stay here for a while. Please? I'm not asking you to share my bed or anything. I just…miss this."

Spock missed this too. He really did but the fear and panic was growing in Jim. He didn't need skin to skin contact for him to read it. "Jim. Your heart rate is rising quickly. You shouldn't force yourself to do this." When all that got him was Jim's hands tightening in the cloth at the back of his shirt he sighed and got into a more comfortable position. He pulled his former captain on top of his chest. Almost instantly Jim's heart rate started to slow back to a normal speed. "Very well. I will stay like this for a while. However, in return you must do me a favor Jim. Start eating with me. I mean really eating. You are losing too much weight Jim."

Jim was silent as he focused on the sound of Spock's voice and the way his chest rose and fell with each breath. It kept the demons away. "I didn't think you had noticed. Fine. Just…Don't expect me to eat a lot. I can't really hold anything down."

Jim felt Spock nod. "I finished making dinner while you slept. I also made us an appointment. Dr. Jones will see us at the end of the week. She will assess us individually as well as together."

The blonde pushed himself up on his elbows so he could stare at Spock. "You…would do that?" He knew that it was a blow to Spock's pride to ask for help. Hell it was a blow to his own but he was desperate.

Spock rose his hand and lightly brushed his fingers over Jim's hair pushing it back behind his ear. He was in need of a hair cut again. "Of course Jim. You are the most important thing in my life. I would do anything if it meant it would keep you safe."

They laid together for nearly an hour before Jim's nerves got to be too much for him to handle anymore. He felt better though. They would seek help at the end of the week and he was able to be touched for more than a second. He felt drained by the end of the forty-eight minutes but it was worth it. He followed Spock into the kitchen where the food was being kept warm. It was a vegetarian pasta loaded with vegetables.

Jim had learned how to make it when they both discovered it at a star base close to their last few month's aboard Enterprise. He had surprised Spock on their first date by making it. They had laughed when Jim told him how many time he had to make the dish before it even resembled anything edible. Jim wasn't a bad cook he was just impatient. After he started to slow down and take his time he began to really enjoy cooking.

The two men sat at the table and filled their bowls. Jim really wasn't hungry. He knew he couldn't keep not eating. In the past he hadn't felt like eating but he made himself eat. He would just have to do the same now. He didn't put a lot in his bowl, it wasn't even half full but to him it seemed like it was overflowing. Jim pushed around the noodles and forked a few of the veggies but he really couldn't bring himself to eat it.

Spock stood from the table and took Jim's bowl from him, putting the contents back into the large bowl in the middle of the table. "Spock?"

Spock walked to the cupboard and removed the loaf of bread. "It is clear you cannot eat it. You will just have to start small. Therefore, would you like toast and apple cause? I would recommend orange juice as well. It has many benefits to the human body."

Jim felt his eyes burn even as a smile tugged at his lips. "Sure. Thank you Spock." He ducked his head as Spock toasted two slices of bread and covered it lightly with butter before bringing it to him along with the promised apple sauce and glass of orange juice.

The toast went down well but by the time he finished the two slices of bread he was full. Still he made himself finish the small bowl of apple sauce and glass of orange juice. Jim smiled at Spock before taking the dishes to the sink so he could wash them. He turned to Spock after he put his dishes away.

"Could you clean up? I…really think I should lay down." He was really trying not to throw everything back up. His face had a green tint to it as he slowly breathed in through his nose and out his mouth.

"Of course Jim." Came the quick reply.

Jim nodded and hastily went to his room. He slipped into the master bathroom wetting a towel before laying down in bed. He laid the wet cloth over his throat and the need to throw up eased. He knew it would pass after a while.

The remainder of the week passed by all too quickly and not quickly enough in Jim's opinion. He was eating more but he knew he was worrying Spock when he threw up after eating pretzels. Spock never ate them but Jim use to love them. When Spock wasn't home he had discreetly thrown out the bag of pretzels. He knew he would never be able to eat them again. They weren't talking again. Not after Jim had blown up at Spock for getting rid of all the potentially life threatening things in the house.

Jim had come home Wednesday after work to make dinner. He had been getting better at eating more than once a day so long as it was small meals. He could handle things like a small bowel of fruit or oatmeal but anything heavier and he was either retching or wanting to. He had searched the drawers for the knives to cut the vegetables but he couldn't find them. They had to be in the dishwasher then. When they were not to be found in the dishwasher Jim had searched the other cabinets where he found the cleaners he used to wash things to be missing as well.

He felt like his stomach was in knots as he shut the cabinet door before going into his bathroom. All of his medication was missing from behind the mirror as well as the ones he kept in the bathroom drawer for when he ran out of the mild painkillers, which he took for the headaches he got. Shutting the mirror harder than necessary Jim stormed into the second bathroom to find that the same had happened there as well.

By the time Spock had returned from his classes Jim was livid and preparations for dinner had been left untouched on the counter. He stood leaning against the counter glaring at Spock who had just walked through the door. As Spock slowed Jim grinned and pushed away from the counter he had been leaning on.

"Like dinner Spock? So do I but I seem to be having a bit of a problem being able to actually make dinner. The knives have magically grown legs and walked away. But the funny thing is…so has the cleaner I had under the sink. And let's not forget the medication I keep in the bathroom when I catch things like colds, flus, or the head aches I am prone to have. Hell even the vitamins you were insistent on that I take have gone missing." He waved to each area where the items had been housed in turn. "The only thing that hasn't walked off is the razor I use to shave with and that I am assuming it is because it is an electric razor that cannot harm the skin."

Spock slowly set his briefcase down and stared at Jim. "I see you are upset Jim by my actions but they were for your own good."

Jim shook his head. "Oh I am not upset Spock. No upset would be if I spilt my coffee on my way to work. Upset would be if I stubbed my toe on something. Upset would be having a rough day at work. Upset would be having your lover not speak to you for five months over a bloody mistake! Upset was watching the Enterprise go down. No I am not upset Spock, I am pissed. No, no I am beyond pissed right now. You went behind my back and took out every bloody knife in the damn house without telling me!"

Spock took a step forward and held both hands where Jim could see them. "Jim you thought about killing yourself, what else was I supposed to do?"

Jim felt his temper rise. He had never before been so angry at the Vulcan who ignored him for months, who hadn't been able to see how much he was hurting all this time, only to start babying him now? He grabbed the nearest thing and threw it across the room at Spock. The fruit scattered as the bowl shattered across the wall. "TALK to me. Not do this! You don't do this to people you care about Spock. It was one thought after a very bad day where we were not talking and things were getting to me. If it was that bad I would have told someone. It wasn't. I've been there before, trust me. It was a stupid thought that a stupid untrained mind had that you thought it was okay to listen in on."

Spock took another step forward only to have the glass of water lifted from the counter and thrown at him. He easily moved aside to avoid the glass and its contents. It too became a shattered mess across the floor behind him. "Jim that though came across the bond along with the feelings behind them. You wanted to die Jim. I did what was logical."

The human groaned and slammed his fist on the counter top. "I cannot believe you Spock. You can shove your logic where the sun does not shine because I would have picked a different way to die then slitting my wrist or drinking poison! I would drive my bike off a cliff or crash my car into a tree. Hell I would even jump out of a ship from space falling into orbit without a parachute before I resorted to killing myself by slitting my wrist."

He was breathing hard as he stared at the Vulcan that thought it was smart to not only mother him but also take everything that could hurt him away like he was a child? "You know what, I don't want to deal with this right now. I am going to bed." He turned on his heel and stormed to the hall that would lead to his bedroom. He looked over his shoulder one last time. "I thought you knew me better than that Spock." He sighed. "Hell, I thought I knew you better than that."

Jim slipped into his room and leaned against the door before sliding down the cool wood until he sat on the floor. He ran his hand painfully through his hair tugging it. What the hell had he just done? What was wrong with him? You didn't throw things at your bondmate no matter how angry you were at them. When had he turned into Frank? He felt his throat tighten but he refused to cry. Not over this. He wasn't allowed to when he had been the one to throw things at Spock. What if he actually tried to hit him?

The blonde felt his hands shake at the idea. He knew he couldn't do real damage but it was the principle of the idea. You do not hurt your bondmate no matter what. He banged his head on the door several times before he got up and dragged himself to bed. He laid there listening to Spock in the other room. From the sound of it the Vulcan was cleaning up the mess he made. Damn he really was turning into that bastard.

He tried to sleep but sleep would not come no matter how he tried or how many times he rolled. Sometime before dawn he finally crashed. In the morning he huffed and pushed himself out of bed. He should just call in sick. He was too worn out to deal with the paperwork he had to finish up today.

Jim showered taking his time before drying off and dressing. He grimaced when he caught a glance at himself in the mirror. He had dark bags under his eyes and his skin was as pale as it had ever gotten. "Hey today is a new day. I can do this." He sighed and walked out of the bathroom to his bedroom where he put on his coat he had tossed onto the chair the night before. He zipped it up to his neck and put his hands in his pockets. Jim stopped walking to the door and felt around in his pockets. His eyes slowly scanned the room. "Did I leave them out here?"

He checked the counter where he had laid out the ingredients for dinner the night before. Not seeing his keys there Jim looked on the coffee table and then went to search the drawers. Maybe Spock had put them up? They were not hanging by the door or in the bowl on the counter where they took off their shoes. The door to the guest room opened and he looked up at Spock. His cheeks burned as he looked away.

Jim took a few settling breaths before looking back up at his bondmate. "Hey Spock, have you seen my keys? I misplaced them somewhere but I could have sworn I had them in my coat pocket."

The Vulcan shifted in what was clearly discomfort. "I have. We should go before you are late for work."

Jim watched as Spock started walking to the door. "Spock…where are my keys?" When Spock did not answer he felt his stomach drop. "Spock, why are you not at work already? Your classes started an hour ago." Still his Vulcan did not answer him. "Damn it Spock! No you will not do this to me. Give me my damn keys!"

Spock finally stopped and turned to the angry human. "Jim, as you clearly stated last night you do not need to be behind the wheel of vehicle. I will drive you back and forth to work."

The human gave a frustrated shout before running his hands down his face. "Of all the…stupidest smart people I could have…No, I am not doing this today. Fine, keep my keys. I don't care. I'll walk." With that, he stormed past the Vulcan.

"Jim, you will be late if you walk now. Let me drive you." Spock reached out to grab Jim's arm only for the blonde to yank away and walk out of the house, where he continued to walk until he reached Star Fleet headquarters late and out of breath.

From the time of Jim's keys being taken from him to that Friday Jim hadn't spoken a word to Spock. He was both angry that Spock would treat him as a child and ashamed that he gave him reason to. He had been acting childish with the way he had thrown things at Spock over the knives and then walking to work. He got it, really. He knew he was scaring Spock with his mood swings but he really couldn't help it.

They had an appointment with Dr. Jones in the morning and Jim had to wonder if it was even worth going. They were fighting so much lately. Why couldn't they just stop fighting? Why couldn't they go back to the way things used to be? Damn it but he missed those days. He stayed curled up on the couch numbly flicking though the channels. He really needed a distraction. His mind was spinning and he was starting to panic.

This would turn out alright. This wasn't the first time he had been to see a counselor. He was ordered to see one after the thing with Khan. He had died after all. That wasn't hard really. It had been easy to get the doctor to believe he was fine then. He could do that now. No, that wouldn't be right. Not after everything they have been through.

Jim sighed and took a sip of his water wishing it was something stronger and hating himself for it. He leaned back against the couch arm before scooting down so his head could rest on it. Spock had stayed away from him all day after Jim had ignored him from the day before. Maybe they were just not compatible? So many things had been changed in this timeline.

The first being his father's death. Maybe that was the catalyst for everything? Jim would have grown up with the love of a father. He would have had a family where he wasn't scared that he was going to be hit. His brother would have never left. Damn it. Spock needed to come home so he could keep his mind from going to such dark places. He wanted to say he was sorry for blowing up at him, for nearly hitting him.

Jim jumped up from the couch as the door came open and he rushed Spock, hugging him before he lost his nerve. "I'm sorry. For throwing things at you, and for blowing up at you for trying to save me from myself."

Before Spock could say anything Jim pulled away and darted to his room. His body shook as he leaned against the door. He took several deep breaths and pushed away from the door before heading to the shower. He was too wound up to sleep and too embarrassed to go back out there to talk to Spock.

That night was another fitful night of sleep for Jim. He could only stare at the clock waiting for the hours to tick by slowly. When the clock showed that it was half an hour before he needed to be up he sighed and drug himself out of bed. He fixed himself a large cup of coffee and ate some toast as he waited for Spock to come out of the guest room.

He gave the Vulcan a smile as he came out. "I made your tea." He pointed to the pot of tea he brewed for him. "It gave me something to do, I couldn't sleep."

Spock went into the kitchen careful yet again to keep his distance from Jim before pouring himself a cup of the steaming tea. He sipped it and gave an appreciative hum. "It is good Jim. Are you ready to go?"

Jim sighed and finished off what was left of his third cup of coffee. "As ready as I will ever be." He washed his cup out and laid it on the counter to dry. The drive to the clinic was just as silent as they have been. The air thick with nerves and fear. Were they doing the right thing? They had to be. Jim couldn't lose Spock now. His legs bounced restlessly as Spock drove.

They parked and sat for a moment in silence. "Jim, your heart rate is rising to dangerous levels. If you are not ready for this, we can reschedule."

Jim shook his head. "No Spock, I don't think we can." He turned and smiled at his Vulcan. It wasn't his normal smile but one filled with pain. Jim knew that if they didn't do this now they would never be able to do it later and that would be the end of them. "Don't worry about me Spock. I can do this. Just don't like doctors is all. Come on let's get the show on the road."

They both left the vehicle and walked into the quiet building. It was small and cozy, not at all like the hospitals and doctors offices Jim was use to visiting. It helped to calm him some as they signed in and took a seat in the waiting room. It too was small and cozy. There where exotic plants in every corner with a large fish tank in the center of the room. Jim was certain he knew them from somewhere but he couldn't place where.

"Hey Spock…refresh my memory would you? Those plants over there, where do they come from. I know I know them from somewhere." Jim couldn't help but feel that he had seen them before.

"Yes, that would be because they are from Betazed. As are the fish in the tank." Spock answered and gestured to the fish.

Jim smiled a little. "Huh. No kidding. We went Betazed on one of our missions. The one about the stowaway. That was fun. I didn't really care for the way they could just read your mind though. The wedding was amazing."

Spock nodded in agreement. "I seem to remember you could not stop looking at the bride."

Jim's smile turned into a grin. "Hey, she was naked. It was hard not to look. Besides, I wasn't dating anyone at the time. I was allowed to look."

Instantly the soft banter died as Spock's thought rang loud and clear though the bond. 'Being with someone did not stop you from sharing a bed with another.' Jim shrank in his seat and crossed his arms wishing the world would swallow him now. His head was starting to throb like it did every time Spock's thoughts came through the bond.

They would not look at each other as the minutes ticked but. Finally, the sound of soft heels clicking on wood floor made both of them look up. A curvy woman with long black hair curling to her waist entered the room. Her pure black eyes looked between the two of them and she gave a smile. "Hello, I am Doctor Reaxano Jones. If you would follow me, we can get started."

Both men got to their feet and followed the shorter woman. Her office was not very large but it wasn't imposingly small either. It felt safe and welcoming. That was a first for Jim when it came to doctor's offices. He took a seat on one of the couches while Spock sat on the same couch at the other end. Unified but not touching.

"I can feel that you do not wish to be here Jim and you as well Spock. For very different reasons. May I ask why you feel that way?" Her voice was soothing and should have put Jim in a better mood but it didn't.

The human turned stormy blue eyes on Spock and tightened his grip on the couch arm. "She is a Betazed? You couldn't tell me that before we chose her?"

Spock turned to his former captain and arched a brow. "As I know you are not Xenophobic I did not see that there would be a problem. However, I did mention she was of mixed heritage of two different species."

Jim groaned and sunk into his seat. "I'm not. I just don't like it when people poke around in my head." He turned his blue eyes on to Reaxano. "No offence to you just…really don't want anyone in my head."

She gave him a smile and nodded. "I understand but as Mr. Spock said I am only half Betazed so I can only feel your emotions and I can guess at where it is coming from. I cannot read your thoughts. Most non telepathic species have similar feelings of apprehension when faced with those that do have telepathic abilities. May you answer my earlier question? Why do you not want to be here?"

Jim sighed and looked down at his hand. "I really don't like doctors of any kind. I get that you are here to help I just…don't like doctors."

Reaxano nodded and turned her black eyes to Spock. "I…" He started and closed his mouth before looking at her. "I feel that…as a Vulcan I should be able solve my problems on my own without help. I understand as well that sometimes we need help in order to recover."

Again the woman nodded and gently wrote notes on an actual notebook. "I can understand that. Vulcan's are a very private race. Where would you two like to start?" Silence swelled in the room for a full five minutes before she cleared her throat. She could tell neither really wanted to speak ill of the other. "Well that isn't very good. I cannot help you if you are not willing to talk. Why don't we start from where everything began?"

Jim looked away as Spock cleared his throat. "I do not think either of us are ready for that. It is…hard for both of us."

Reaxano gave a small ah sound. "That is okay. We can start somewhere else. What about recently? What has gone on lately that you wish to talk about?"

Jim gave a harsh laugh. "How about the fact that he took my keys away from me like I was a teenager who stayed out too late?"

The Vulcan turned to look at Jim. "As I have told you before, you were in risk of taking your life Jim. I did what I thought was best to keep you from harming yourself."

Jim glared at Spock. "No you acted on a thought I had once. I know when I need help Spock, and I was not to that point. You also took all the knives from the house and anything else that could kill me. How about how we haven't been speaking for months and only just now started speaking again. Or that we are sleeping in separate rooms. You took on more classes just so you wouldn't be near me. I work weekends just so I won't be home alone."

He didn't know why all of this was spilling out of him. He wished it would stop. Jim knew he really didn't want to talk about all of this yet, if at all.

Spock turned his dark brown eyes on Jim and spoke softly. "If you wish to bring up my faults why not bring up your drinking? Or how you could not stay monogamous with me? We should discuss your eating disorder seeing as that is more of a concern for your health at this time."

Neither would meet the others eyes for a long time. Jim felt like he was breaking. He blinked rapidly a few times to keep from crying. What the hell was wrong with him? He has been depressed before. It had never been like this. Sure Spock's words cult like ice but he deserved worse after all. He could take a few harsh words. Jim had wanted to end things years ago but it wasn't this…weeping mess. He still had his pride damn it!

Reaxano looked between the two. She was shocked by the feelings she felt pouring off both of them. Out of all her patients she had never feel such deep sadness and pain. Guilt thick enough to choke rolled off each of them. "Jim…is it okay if I call you Jim?" When he gave a nod she scooted forward in her chair. "This is a safe environment where you can talk about what is bothering you. From the emotions I am picking up from you I can understand where Spock got the idea of removing harmful items from the house. However, I also understand that being human it should have been discussed first.

From what you said, neither of you have been speaking much to each other. Is that right?" When both gave an affirmative she took down another note. "Spock, is there anything you would like to add?" Her black eyes seemed to pierce his soul as she watched him.

Spock laced his fingers as he would normally while in meditation. "There is a lot I would like to add however only a few pertain to the matter at hand and I believe I have spoken too much as it is without thinking on how I should have said it. I came home earlier this week to Jim having cut his thumb while preparing dinner. He was standing in the kitchen with the water running over his hand while holding a knife in the other. He had it over his wrist and with the thoughts that came through our bond it was obvious to me that he was trying to kill himself."

Jim snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. "I was not trying to kill myself. The knife wasn't over my wrist Spock."

The Vulcan turned his eyes back to his bondmate and calmly spoke. "Jim, Vulcan's do not lie. You had the knife over your wrist as if you were about to press down on the blade and slit your wrist."

The human huffed and thought back to that moment. He frowned and then his eyes widen. "Shit…it was." He looked over at Spock. "I forgot when you scared me but I did have it…I am so sorry." His eyes darted away. How could he have done that?

"I may have acted out of hand by not notifying you of my intentions of removing the knives and other harmful items. I was…scared Jim. I did not want to lose you because of my actions." He met his bondmate's blue eyes and could see how much pain the male was in. He knew how close he had been to losing Jim.

The room descended again into silence before the counselor spoke. "Jim, you said that Spock had scared you. May you tell me how?"

Jim sighed and nodded. "I didn't hear him come in and he came up behind me. He grabbed my arm and made be drop the knife. I freaked out a bit. I didn't realize who it was and I attacked him."

"I would hardly call that an attack Jim and one I deserved for not announcing my presence to you." Spock added quickly lest the counselor think he was a battered husband.

Jim snorted and a tiny smile curved his lips. Reaxano noticed the tension in the room and the guilt coming from both of them. "Why would that be a problem for you Jim?"

The human shrugged and felt that he was going to be doing that a lot. "Well, we both served in Star Fleet. I was a captain of a star ship. Not all missions go according to plan and I got hurt a lot." He could feel Spock's eyes on him and he sighed yet again. "There is another reason but I am not ready to talk about it. Let's just say I am very jumpy when people come up behind me."

"Fair enough Jim. Though I believe we should talk about it sometime in the future. Can I ask why you two have not been speaking with each other and for how long?"

Jim looked to Spock for something. If it was strength or guidance or something else altogether he wasn't sure. "It's the thing we don't want to talk about. It led to some really bad things, like my cheating."

Reaxano nodded and wrote a few more notes before glancing at the clock. Their hour was not yet up but she felt that it was time they called an end to this session. "As I am seeing you individually as well as together we can continue these discussions in those sessions as well. For now, we will call it a day. I want the both of you to come up with a list of things you want to talk about and why. This was productive. For now, I want to see you both in individual counseling three times a week. We will meet on Saturday's for group sessions." She stood up and shook Jim's hand. She offered the Vulcan salute to Spock.

Both walked out, side by side until they were out of sight. Out of all her patients she has never felt so much love and pain from both parties. She would do what she could to help them but they had to be the ones that saved themselves.

Author's Note: It felt like a good place to stop. I will try to get the next chapter out this weekend but no promises. I will be doing all the edits around Christmas. Also, I am not in any way a counselor so I know very little about how a counseling session would go. I feel that it would be believable but if not let me know and I will try to fix it.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: I'll Be Here For You

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different. I am also not a psychiatrist/therapist and have no clue how sessions really go. If you think I am portraying it poorly please point out where and why you think so.

WARNINGS: Language. Mentions of depressions and talking about suicide.

As Jim and Spock left the councilors office they did not speak a word to each other. Both were reeling over what they had said. The walk to the car was filled with tension and both dreaded the ride home. Jim held his door open and looked over the top of it. "Spock, I am sorry. For what I said in there. I just got so angry. I don't know where it came from."

Spock's brown eyes looked over the hood of the car at Jim and remained silent for a while. "Apologies are not necessary Jim. You had a right to express your opinion as you saw fit just as I had the right to do the same." He got into the driver's side of the car and waited for Jim to enter on the other side. When Jim was secure in his seat Spock started to drive.

"I know Spock but it doesn't mean I had to say it the way I did. Yeah I am upset with you over taking my keys but I'll get over it. Which I don't get why you still won't give them back. I'm not a little kid Spock." Jim stared out the window as Spock drove. "Have you ever thought that, that might be what is wrong with us?" He turned to look at Spock and gave a weak smile. "We have always been captain and first officer to each other. We've always had different power dynamics then most couples. Maybe we need to learn how to be Jim and Spock instead?"

Nothing more was said for a long time as Spock thought about what was said. "I do believe you are right Jim. I have always followed your lead because you were my captain."

Jim rested his head on his fist as he watched Spock. "I lead a crew of several hundred and kept most of them alive. You trusted me then. Why can you not trust me now?"

Spock's hands tightened on the wheel of the car. For a long moment he did not answer. "Because you are not my captain anymore. Jim…as captain you never let your emotions…" The Vulcan took a deep breath before letting it out. "There were times when you would let anger cloud your judgment, however you always listened to reason. You…never had such dark emotions before. They scare me Jim. I fear that I will find that you have taken your own life. Even now I can feel them. They are buried under a lot of other emotions at the moment but they have not gone away.

Jim, the last time I felt emotions this dark was when I was with Nyota. I do not wish to fail another person that I love." Spock would not look at Jim as he spoke.

The former captain winced and looked away. "She got better though. It did end with you two breaking up but she did get better." Would that be the same for them? Would they have to lose each other for them to get better? Jim did not want to think about that. It made his stomach churn and he really did not need to throw up his last meal. Jim smiled a little. "I still can't believe you gave her a tracking device though."

Spock smiled a little as he pulled into their driveway. "As grateful as I am that you are trying to keep me from thinking of the past I do not think you should be changing the subject Jim. It is true that I have been treating you as if you were still my captain. I realized that was a mistake. If you were still my captain you would have taken better care of yourself."

Jim watched open mouth as Spock opened the door and got out. He sat for a few seconds before getting out as well. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He jogged just a little to catch up with Spock.

Spock opened the door to their house before going in the kitchen. "It means that as my captain you would have taken better care of yourself. You would not have let yourself get this low. Not with hundreds of lives depending on you. It was an error in my logic that I will rectify. If I have to treat you as a child, then so be it. At least you will be alive to hate me for it."

Jim opened and closed his mouth a few times before he huffed. "I don't know if that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard or if it is the sweetest. Whichever it is it pisses me off. You can't treat me as a child Spock. If you really want our relationship to be over then fine keep acting as if I can't take care of myself. Or not trust me with something as stupid as driving myself to work. I told you I won't kill myself because it is a stupid way to die! Right now I don't care. I'm going for a jog."

Ignoring Spock, the former captain turned on his heel and left the house. He switched between jogging and running. It made him ill and shaky after only ten minutes but he kept it up. Jim kept running until his legs would not hold him anymore. He use to run all the time as a teenager. Even as a child he loved to run. It gave him freedom from Frank and from the other children who would bully him at school for being smarter than they were. It saved him so many times that he made sure to run almost every day. He wished it would save him now.

Jim breathed hard as he leaned against the tree. Even though it was cold out he was covered in sweat. He slowly lowered himself to sit on the ground. His eyes took in the trees that surrounded him, shrouding him from sight. The former captain closed his eyes and lightly hit his head back on the tree behind him. "This is so stupid." He wanted to scream with how utterly helpless he felt. "Why can't there be a big red button that lets us reset everything?"

His head jerked up as he heard a twig snap. His eyes scanned the area as he got to his feet. "Hello?" There was a soft shuffling of leaves to his right. Almost too light to be picked up. "Spock? I swear if you followed me out here I am going to be really angry with you." He started to head towards the sound. No one came out here except for Jim when he would take his morning runs. Spock would join him on occasion.

Just because someone hadn't come out here before doesn't mean they won't now. Jim stopped and tried to see passed the limbs heavy with fall leaves. "Spock?" His hand naturally went to his side to find it empty. He wasn't a Starfleet captain anymore. Of course he wouldn't have a phasor on him. He was in no physical condition to fight anyone at the moment.

Jim slowly backed away from where he had last heard the noise before turning on his heel and running. The branches sliced at his skin but he did not stop until he was back to the main road. His heart hammered in his chest as he jogged down the road. He got home in record time. He hit the door hard and opened it. Jim made sure to lock the door behind him as he looked around the house.

Spock wasn't in the kitchen or his room. He wasn't in the house. Spock's running shoes and jacket was missing from their place at the front door. Jim felt livid as he stripped his clothes to shower. He had just run home because his bondmate had decided to be overprotective and give him a scare.

Jim found himself in doctor Jones' office come Monday afternoon. He could not help but stare at her as she simply watched him. They spent their first five minutes just watching each other before Jim could speak. "So I suppose I should start with how my day is going?"

"If you would like Jim. It is up to you. I can tell that you are very stressed right now." Jones' voice was soft like normal but it held concern for the former captain. His stress levels were beyond normal and she wanted to know why.

"Well I have an overprotective bondmate to blame for that. He still hasn't returned the knives and stuff to the house and he hasn't given me my keys back. I got fed up with it and had my car locks changed. Now I have a new set of keys which I keep on me. He wasn't too happy with me but we're not talking again. I swear we are either yelling at each other or not talking." He gave a weak smile.

"That would be a problem Jim. Without communication things will not get better." She was beginning to worry that maybe there was more going on than she could help with. "What started this last fight?"

Jim leaned back on the couch. "I don't really know. Me I guess. I told him he had to stop treating me like a child. Also, he thought it would be fun to stalk me through the woods a few days ago. I thought my heart would explode. I can handle myself. I know I'm not really showing it at the moment. The not eating right and the thought of killing myself. I'm use to being on my own taking care of myself and all that. I get that he is trying to help me in his own way but I hate feeling helpless and lately…that is all he is doing. I can't stand it."

For a moment they were quiet again before Dr. Jones spoke. "Many humans dislike feeling helpless. It isn't uncommon. I can feel a lot of anger coming from you. Would you like to tell me why?"

Jim sighed and shook his head. "No not really. More like I can't." He leveled his cerulean eyes at her. "Doctor…there is a lot that I can't tell you, or that I won't. Some because of Starfleet and other because I just don't want to. I didn't have the best of childhoods. Try living in the shadow of a man who died saving you and his crew. Mom wasn't very stable after that. She tried but…well her solution was to go off planet. She left us with her husband.

Me and Sam couldn't call him Dad so we called him uncle. He was an ass. I hated living with him and Sam eventually ran away. That man made me feel helpless. I could never do anything right and that is why to this day I hate feeling helpless."

She jotted down a few notes as he spoke. "You said that, that is the reason you hate feeling helpless but I don't think that is the only reason. People have tells when they are lying. Even you Jim. I am not telling you this to hurt you but, I want you to know that nothing you say will leave this room. Besides, all of that is on file from your previous therapist. I am a little disturbed by what I have read.

The files show you to be a well-adjusted youth who, for some reason, liked to get in trouble. You blamed it on not knowing your father and your older brother running away. Never once did it mention Frank, but there were many hospital visits that had questionable injuries. Add to that the restraining order and court records, it isn't hard to put things together."

Jim bit down on his bottom lip as he looked at the woman who he was starting to dislike. "You researched me? Isn't that a little unorthodox?"

"For some yes. But when I placed a request for your previous files I got a phone call from the counselor in Starfleet that you were required to see. She expressed concern for you. She felt that you were…beating the system. She could not prove anything but from the records from your childhood and hers…well I can see why she is concerned. You have every right not to disclose everything to me but I cannot help you otherwise. You wish to stay with Spock yes? You cannot do that by lying to him or yourself.

There is so much pain I feel coming from you that it threw me off balance when we first met. I have to wonder why your bondmate doesn't realize it." She sat forward a little as she looked him over. "I would like to know how you haven't given up yet. You are very strong Jim to carry such great emotions with you all this time. Let me help you."

Jim watched her and really looked at this woman. He couldn't fool her like he had done the thousands of people in the past. He couldn't charm his way out of answering or getting his way like he used to. "He doesn't know because he doesn't look for them. I'm good at hiding how I feel. Keep your mind busy with other feelings and thoughts actually acts as a good barrier for most. It's just lately that I haven't really been trying."

He took a deep breath and let it go. "Yeah I have issues. I've always had them. Frank was an asshole. He didn't do anything to me while Sam was there. As soon as Sam left I became Frank's punching bag. I figured I could deal with it like Sam did. Mom eventually couldn't deny it anymore after I was hospitalized after one of his worst beatings. She got a divorce and took me to live with my aunt and uncle. We were getting along just fine until she left again. When I got back to Earth I became very unruly. Mom couldn't handle me and we didn't talk form the time I was sixteen to right before I was thirty.

I felt like I couldn't trust people after that. Especially authoritive figures. Pike eventually talked me into joining Starfleet." He took a few deep breaths as he thought about Pike. He had been one of the only father figures he knew. "I thought we were supposed to talk about me and Spock?"

Jones chuckled a little. "Misdirection will not work on me Jim. I know talking about your past is painful but you can't run from it forever. Tell me in your own time. I am glad that you told me anything at all. I was concerned that you would just tell me what you thought I wanted to hear. Tell me one thing, why did you choose to tell me?"

Jim sighed and looked away. "Maybe…I am tired of keeping it all in? I am tired Dr. Jones. More tired than you can believe. I don't want to lose Spock and if it takes telling you about every skeleton in my closet then yeah, I am going to do it."

A small smile pulled at her lips. "I've never met someone who loves another as much as you love Spock. It is amazing and heartwarming. I won't give up on you Jim. Even if things do not work out between you two, and there is always a chance that it won't, just know that you can still come to see me."

The former captain gave a bitter smile and nodded his head. "Thanks. But I won't count us out yet. I'll still come see you even after me and Spock work our problem out."

She couldn't help but smile. "I am sure you will with time. Can I ask you one more thing before our time is up?" When he nodded she lightly tapped her pencil on a note she wrote. "You said Spock stalked you through the woods. Is that…Quite frankly I am a little concerned with the wordage you used. Can you clarify it for me?"

Jim gave another nod. "After our spat about him treating me like a child I went for a jog to clear my mind. I take the same trail most every morning before or after work. I guess he thought I was going to do something stupid. I don't know but he followed me. He wouldn't come out even though I called out to him."

Her frown grew as she listened to Jim talk. "Are you sure it was Spock?"

"Yeah. His running jacket and shoes were gone when I got home. He was still out and he got home while I was in the shower. He knows where I go to run and has joined me before when I would go running." Jim watched her as she stared at her note book. "Why?"

Dr. Jones shook her head. "It's not really my place to say but it's just…when you talked about him stalking you…you were afraid. Has he ever hurt you Jim?"

Jim felt his jaw fall open. He closed it quickly. "Um…before or after we started dating?" The arch in her brow made him squirm in his seat. He rubbed his face with his hands. "No. No we are not going there. I am not an abused husband. No. Just no." Jim sighed and shook his head. "Look, I don't know how to say this but…alright so there is something we just haven't been able to tell you yet, but it was not Spock's fault. Just...give us time to talk about it later, and preferably together. As for Spock hurting me, sort of.

I sort of purposely pissed him off after his planet was destroyed so he would blow up at me. He did and he threw me around the bridge a bit. But he has not in his right mind ever hit me since."

They sat in silence for a while as Jim tried to collect his thoughts. "Jim, would it be alright if I ask Spock about the day in the woods. I believe you when you say he has never hit you after that one incident. I am a little concerned that it happened in the first place but we can discuss it at another time."

Jim nodded and got to his feet. "Yeah. Go ahead and ask him about it." His mind was going around in circles as he walked to the door, their hour being up. "I thought therapy was supposed to make me feel better?"

She chuckled and shook her head. "Not always true Jim. It is meant to shed light on subjects you would rather not think about to hopefully work through them. Don't worry, everyone feels the same as you do at one point or another in the sessions. You will get better. You are strong."

Spock sat patiently in the waiting room of Dr. Jones' office. He stood up as he saw Jim step out. He had felt several emotions flare through the bond. He wanted to go to him and ask if everything was alright but they have not spoken to each other since Friday. They stood staring at each other unable to say a word to the other.

Jim stepped forward and lightly patted Spock on the shoulder. Disgust, anger, sadness, hope. They were the most prominent emotions to pass through the simple touch as Jim's hand brushed his upper arm. They went away as Jim pulled his hand back. "This sort of feels like being in school and having to talk to the principal after getting into a fight."

The Vulcan tilted his head in concern. "Indeed it does. Though on Vulcan we did not have a principal." It was a very simple exchange but it seemed to lift some of the weight from the Vulcan's shoulders. He watched Jim leave before turning to their counselor.

"You are early Spock. By thirty minutes give or take." Dr. Jones gave him a smile and lead him back into his office. She couldn't help but smile as Spock claimed the same seat that his bondmate had vacated moments before.

"I felt that it would be best if I showed up early for my first individual appointment with you." Spock stated as he took in the room.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with you wanting to check in on Jim now would it?" She watched as a hint of green stained the Vulcan's cheeks.

"Perhaps. I am worried about him. He seemed even more angry with me than before. I am realizing humans do not like it when you try to keep them safe." He watched her close her eyes as she smiled. "Is something amusing doctor?"

"No. I mean, I shouldn't find it amusing." She opened her eyes and looked at him. "Spock, have you thought about why Jim would be mad at you for taking his keys? Or removing the knives from the house?"

Spock was silent for a while before answering. "I am realizing that my actions were not fully thought out, However, I did ask a doctor what I should do. He told me to remove everything that could hurt Jim. I did what I did because I thought it was for the best."

Jones licked her lips before looking at him. "Spock…humans will always be full of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Yes, Jim was depressed and in danger of hurting himself at the time. I believe he would have gone through with it if you had not stopped him. However, I do not think he would have attempted to kill himself after that. One, he realized just how much it hurt you to see him like that. Two he really does wish to live. Sometimes humans cannot express themselves and they do things to show they need help."

Spock looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Can you clarify doctor?"

She nodded before lacing her finger together. "Sometimes when humans want someone to help them they try to hurt themselves. In that moment they want someone to notice how much they are hurting inside so they hurt the outside. It is a strange habit but many humans exhibit such behavior."

The Vulcan nodded. "I suppose that may be true. What do I do about it doctor?"

"For now? I would recommend you talk about yourself. I am here to help you. Are there things you would like to change in your relationship?" The room was silent for a moment. Where the silence was out of nervousness from Jim this silence came from Spock thinking.

"There are things I would like to be different that cannot be. For example, I wished Jim could fully use the bond between us. However, I do not think Jim wants it. He often has headaches because of the bond. He expresses his dislike of me being in his head." Spock leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees. "I wish he could be more open with me. At the same time, I wished he had a more organized mind. Jim's mind is the most fascinating and complex I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I do not wish to change it…"

The doctor smiled as she leaned forward as well. "I hear a but coming. You do not wish to change it but…?"

Spock let out a breath as close to a sigh as he ever got. "But I wished he would be more conscious of his thoughts. I would have never thought he would be unfaithful so I never put much stock into him…looking as they say. He would see a man walking down the street and would watch him. Or he would smile at this one barista with the brown eyes. I could hear his thoughts every time he looked at her. He found her eyes attractive. Just as he found the build of the man to be attractive."

Jones watched as the Vulcan struggled to express how he felt. "I take it you never told Jim that you were jealous of the way he would look at others? What were his thoughts when he saw the barista?"

Looking back at his memories Spock pushed past the jealousy he felt when he caught Jim staring at the young woman. "That she had lovely eyes. Brown was his favorite color to look at. He liked the shape of them too. They were football shaped but turned down slightly at the edges. With dark lashes."

"And the man? What drew Jim to him?" Jones fought against the smile that threatened to take over her lips.

"He was tall with wide shoulders and narrow hips. He was about my height with short dark hair. The shape of his jaw. There was another woman with pointy ears. Her coloring was…in his mind, off." His eyebrow raised as Jones started to laugh. "May I inquire as to what is so funny?"

The doctor waved her hand. "I really shouldn't be laughing… forgive me but, I forget the word I am looking for. Have you thought about why he looked at them? Think about the characteristic you just described. Tall, your height, short dark hair, brown eyes, one even had pointy ears. Spock I am not trying to side with Jim because even though looking at others is natural, seeking another mate while in a bond like yours is wrong. I do not know the circumstances behind his infidelity and I am not here to judge. However, from what you described Jim found those qualities attractive on those people because they reminded him of you. I could be wrong. You should confront him about this. See if he knows what he is doing is hurting you."

Spock tilted his head slightly. "Fascinating…As the years that we have known each other have passed I have started to noticed a pattern with Jim's partners. Most are not human, which is explainable as we were often away from Earth in our careers but, as you said most started to share similar characteristic to myself."

The doctor nodded as she wrote down notes. "You love him deeply. He loves you just as much. When he speaks of you I can feel how much he loves you. As I can feel how much you love him. Can I ask…do you know why Jim had cheated on you? Was he bored or dissatisfied with the relationship?"

Spock laced his fingers together. "He was not bored. Dissatisfied maybe. I had unintentionally hurt him. We did not speak about it. We were not speaking to each other at all. We could barely be in the same room as the other. You are frowning doctor."

"It's…I'm sorry but I cannot say at the moment. I would need to speak with Jim before I can speak to you. Would it be alright if I ask him about you hurting him?" Spock gave the doctor a nod after a moment hesitation. "I have one question for you if you don't mind. I talked to Jim as you know. He told me something and I just wanted to ask you about it. He already told me I could. When you got home after your group session you two got into a fight. Jim said he went to take a jog afterwards. You followed him right?"

Spock gave another nod. "Yes. When I saw that he was heading for his normal jogging area I turned back and went home. I then proceeded to go on my own jog. When I came back Jim was already in the shower."

Jones looked through her notes as a frown formed on her lips. "You never heard him call out to you?"

"No doctor. Jim didn't try to contact me in anyway. He still hasn't spoken to me. Is there something I should know?" Spock sat forward watching the young doctor.

"Maybe. It could be nothing. Jim heard something in the woods. He thought it was you. Does anyone else go running in those woods?" The doctor asked as she looked back up at Spock.

"No. Not that I am aware of. We live in a less populated area. Mostly because I need a place to be away from all the minds I come into contact with every day." Spock took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Do you think I should be worried?"

Jones shook her head. "Not unless it happens again. It was likely a wild animal. Rural areas like that attract animals of all sorts. Go on a few runs with him just to be safe." With that they parted ways and Spock returned home.

Jim had kept himself busy through the rest of the week. He wasn't looking forward to speaking with Spock. He was still mad at him over everything. Now he wished he had spoken to him. They were due to go to their group counselling session and he was beyond worried. He chose to drive himself this time. He needed the time to think and tell himself that he would not blow up on Spock. He would not point fingers and accuse him of being the only one to blame.

Three minutes in until their appointment and Spock was still not there. He had sent multiple messages to Spock in the last ten minutes alone. Finally, he picked up his communicator and called. It picked up on the third ring. "Spock where are you?"

"Sorry Jim. I am stuck in traffic. I was held up after class and had to start out later then I intended. I will be there in five minutes." Spock's voice was soft over the phone as it normally was when he was using the car speakers to talk to Jim.

Jim felt anger, hot and boiling hit him like a truck. "Really? We are due to be in the session in less than a minute and you are stuck in traffic? Couldn't you come up with a better excuse? You are never late for anything."

There was a pause from the other end. "Jim, why are you angry? This is not like you. I have never been late but today seems to be the exception. I had trouble getting my car to start. I will be there shortly."

The angry just grew inside of Jim and he couldn't push it away. "You wouldn't know what I am really like because you are never here Spock. You are never here when I need you. Why is that? Do you even want this to work out? You are such a selfish bastard Spock. Do you even love me?"

"Jim, I-" The sound of metal screeching over metal filled the speakers before things went silent on Spock's end.

Jim held his breath. "Spock?" All the anger flowed away and he felt weak and sick. He covered his mouth so he could hear better. "Spock? Answer me?" He could hear the faint sound of screaming on the other end. It sounded like a woman. Dr. Jones stepped out of her office and he held out a hand to her. "Spock if you can hear me please answer me."

When no answer came Jim took off running. Spock would be coming from the academy. He was five minutes by car so that had to be fifteen minutes or so by foot if he walked. Jim ran until his lungs felt like rupturing in his body. There was a crowed and flashing lights. "No…" The single word became a mantra in Jim's mind as he rushed forward.

Someone caught him around his waist. "Let go of me! I need to see…oh god Spock…" His eyes started to go blurry. "Spock!" He fought against the arms that held him before getting free only for a second pair to stop him.

"Sir, you need to calm down. Do you know this man?" Someone's voice called to Jim but he didn't care. All he could see was Spock being removed from the car. There was so much blood everywhere. "Do you know him?"

"Yes…Yes I do. That's my husband. Let me go! I need to speak with him. Let me go!" He watched as they carefully laid Spock on the gurney before lifting him.

"Alright calm down. You can ride with him to the hospital. Just calm down." The officer released Jim and let the male rush forward.

Jim gently touched Spock's hand as he passed by. It was covered in green. It stained everything. Jim felt sick as he got into the ambulance with Spock. He gave as much information as he could until they wheeled Spock away from him. He sat alone in the waiting room. His hands stained green along with his clothes. "Please don't die…Please…"

A soft hand rested on his shoulder. "Sir?" Jim looked up at the young man standing in front of him. "Would you like me to call someone for you? So you won't be waiting alone?"

"No…um I can call them." When the nurse turned away Jim stopped him. "He is going to be alright…right?"

"I don't know. They are still preforming surgery and he lost a lot of blood. He seems like a strong person, and he has you waiting on him. I'm just a nurse but I hope he pulls through." He gave Jim a smile. "Can I get you a bottle of water or something?"

"Yeah, that would be great." Jim watched as the nurse walked away again. He bowed his head as he gripped the communicator in his hands. "I wouldn't come back for me if I was him." He flicked his communicator open and started scrolling through his contacts. He placed the device to his ear and waited. "Hey…this is Jim. I know I haven't called you before and this is a shitty reason to call you now. Sarek…there was an accident…they don't know if Spock is going to pull through…"

"Hey Spock…seems like you are still out of it. The doctors don't know why. Bones is here. His flight was delayed. You two are bastards for plotting against me. I love you for it but really?" The former captain spoke softly as he took the dead flowers out of the vases. He rearranged the rest of the living flowers and potted plants. The room was filled with balloons all wishing him well. There was flowers of all shapes and colors, not all of them in vases. There scent helped to cover the scent of chemicals that were used to keep the room clean. Jim smiled at the mountain of stuffed toys that lined the room. Spock would hate them.

"You have new cards wishing you well. I didn't think you would have any problem with me reading them to you. Your students keep coming by. They all love you even though they complain about all of the homework you have been giving them. Your father is on a flight here. He's worried about you. He might not say it but he is. I think he is starting to like me. He called me Jim while we spoke."

Spock laid unmoving in the bed. If it wasn't for the tubes sticking out from everywhere you would think he was just sleeping. But he was unnaturally still. His skin was pale and there was a lack of the natural green hue that normally dusted his skin. His hair lay fanned out around him instead of in its perfect alinement that Spock always kept it in. The hospital gown made his skin look even paler than normal. Spock wasn't meant to be this still.

The room became silent except for the sound of the machines keeping Spock alive. Jim slowly sank down onto the edge of the bed next to Spock. "You have to pull through this Spock. Damn it, I am so sorry for what I said to you. I'm so sorry Spock." Jim leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. "I love you Spock. I know what I said had to hurt, but I love you. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't keep going like this Spock. I don't feel stable. I I haven't been stable since…damn since Selek died."

He took a deep breath that shook as it came out. "I think…I've been faking being okay since then. I know in York Town I felt so…I think just about like this. I was going to quit being a captain. I felt numb Spock. Now that I think about it, I started to feel that way the day Selek died. I was able to push it away while we explored the nebula but I think it slowly started to creep back up. It got worse the closer we got to ending our five-year mission. I knew our family would break apart. It was after you kissed me that I was able to push this feeling away again.

Chekov and his decking out every doorway on the enterprise with mistletoe. Stupid kid…Remind me to thank him for that. The look on your face as you stepped out of the door while I was coming in. It was priceless how you blushed so dark green that I was worried you were going to faint." He smiled softly as he recalled the last Christmas on Enterprise. "You had avoided kissing everyone until then. I can't say I am sorry that it ended up that way. I was surprised by how gentle you were when you kissed me that first time. I think everyone cheered. For future reference, you don't have to kiss someone on the lips when you get trapped under a mistletoe with them. Kissing on the cheek is just fine."

Jim laced his fingers with Spock, gently giving him a Vulcan kiss. "I love you. Please wake up." Minuets passed as he rest his head on Spock's. His eyes closed. He wished again that he had better control over the bond. He wished he could enact a mind meld. He wanted so badly to talk to Spock so he could beg him for forgiveness. "Spock…I don't think I can survive if you were to die." He sighed and leaned back. "I…can't stop thinking about it. What I would do if you were no longer here. Each of those thoughts end the same. I don't like them but it's true. I don't see how I can go on without you."

Hours passed with him just sitting there watching Spock. He moved to sit in one of the two chairs beside his bed. The sound of slow rhythmic beeping filled the off white room. The steady sound of machine filling with air before pushing the air deep into lungs that refused to work on their own. He should have woken up by now. There was nothing wrong with him anymore. All the damage was healed weeks ago. They even tried slapping him hard to wake him. This couldn't be normal. How could Spock still be unconscious? His mind had function and yet his lungs would not take air on their own. His heart would not beat without the machine that forced it to.

The door opened and Jim looked up at Bones. His eyes rimmed in red. They were puffy and nearly black from the lack of sleep. "Bones…Why won't he wake up? They did everything right? Why won't he breath on his own? Why doesn't he wake up? I can't even hear him in my thoughts anymore. I've tried so hard to reach him and I can't."

Bones sighed and sat placing his hand on the other male's shoulder. "I don't know. There is absolutely no reason for him to be still unconscious. I've ran every test I can think of. I've consulted a few Vulcan healers and I really can't find anything that is preventing him waking up. Maybe…he…Jim, he might be gone. Have you thought about that? I know you don't want to think about it but, Jim, it's been three weeks. His brain function is so low that it's practically not there. Now, that's saying something for a Vulcan."

Jim laced his fingers together. "I know Bones. I just…I can't give up on him." He scrubbed his hands down over his face. "Bones, you know I love him. I think I loved him from the first time I saw him." He felt a smile form on his lips. "Well that might be stretching it. I wanted to sleep with him for sure." He laughed as Bones made a gagging sound. It brought a smile to Jim's face. "Shut up. I know you don't want to know about my sex life. I think I started to fall in love with him after the meld with Selek."

He bowed his head slowly and brought his head down to rest on his fists. "I felt the…way he loved his Jim. It was hard for him to see me and not feel the same love. I didn't understand it at the time but I did feel it and I wanted that. I think it sort of colored my view of Spock. But I wanted the same feeling from him. I may have tried to hit on him if he wasn't with Uhura. I'm kind of glad I didn't. No I am glad. If I had and he had been willing I don't think I could have been what he needed. I was way too young. Did you know in the other timeline we were older when we started out? Selek didn't mean to show me but some of his memories transferred to me. They were of the Enterprise and after. It took me a long while to figure them out. Took me even longer to make sense of them.

Did you know the other me had never been with a man until Selek? I had been a bastard in that world. Apparently I couldn't keep my hands off the ladies. Which, I mean, even in this world I couldn't keep my hands off women or men if I wanted them. But that me was in love with Selek and he was still going after women. He even knew Selek loved him. My father in that timeline had expectations for me. Most of them revolved around what a man should be. Homosexual wasn't part of his idea. It took them most of their Starfleet career for them to get together. I don't know what I would do if my father had lived and he had the same expectations."

Jim looked up at Bones. "I talked to Selek a few times about the memories that transferred over from him. They worked things out. My other self, he made peace with the fact that he couldn't be what his father wanted in a man and they worked things out. They were together until his Jim died." His eyes were growing glassy. "Bones, I can't let him go. Not knowing that they had their life together." He looked to the prone form laying in the bed. "Bones, do you know what the last thing I told him was? That he was a selfish bastard and that he didn't love me. I was just so angry and I couldn't stop it. I don't know where the anger came from or why it suddenly left when he was in the wreck." He blinked his eyes rapidly as hot tears slid down his face. "I can't let that be the last thing he hears from me."

Bones wrapped his arm around the thin shoulders of his former captain and pulled him against his chest. "Jim…" He felt Jim's shoulders shake below the layers of sweaters and shirts. "He wouldn't want you to kill yourself like this though. Jim you haven't eaten in days. You haven't slept in a week. The only thing you've done is shower and that's because there is a shower in this room. Jim you have to start taking care of yourself. If not for you then for him. What is he going to say when he wakes up?"

"That I am highly illogical for worrying and I need to get my shit together." That brought a laugh to both of them. "I don't want to let him go Bones. God, it is killing me just to see him like this. I won't survive it if he doesn't wake up." Jim's voice broke as he spoke. His hand gripped the back of Bones' shirt.

The shaking got worse and the once strong captain let Bones pull him closer. The sobs started making him gasp for air. If Jim had still been captain of the Enterprise, he wouldn't have let himself show this much weakness. Not to anyone. Sometimes he wished he was still the captain. "It's alright kid. You'll get through this. I'll be here for you."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Dreams Tell Us What We Want To Know

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different. Like all our favorite boys would be paired off with someone else. I also do not own The Boy In The Stripped Pajamas or any Disney films.

Author's Note: I am sorry it isn't as long as I wanted and this chapter has not been check by anyone but me.

WARNINGS: Language. Dub con. Pon Farr. Death of child.

Nothing changed for Spock. He wasn't getting better but he wasn't getting worst. Jim wondered if maybe Bones was right. Maybe he should just give up? He didn't want to. He didn't want to do anything. It took threats from Bones and Sarek for Jim to start eating again. Bones was practically living in their house and Sarek came by often. They refused to let him waist away at Spock's bedside. Bones even insisted on him going back to counseling even if he couldn't return to work.

Every session made him feel worst then before he went in. He was digging up a lot of demons. First with feeling like he could never live up to the father he never knew to losing the only two male role models he ever had, Pike and his uncle. It hurt to talk about them but later, after he could think about everything, he did feel better.

"Bones I am not drinking with you." Jim smiled as Sarek arched an eyebrow at him. "I don't drink anymore. I haven't touched the stuff for…nearly five months now."

"Horse shit. You never turn down good alcohol." Bones stared at Jim wondering yet again if he made the right choice in moving so far away from him. He was like his brother and if he had been here then maybe Jim wouldn't have been in this state.

"May I inquire as to why you do not wish to drink Jim?" Sarek asked as he took the glass offered by Bones. He of course could not get drunk from human alcohol but he found that it was best to humor the southern doctor.

Jim sipped on the smoothie Sarek had made for him. He found that it was easier to drink smoothies than it was to try to eat. Besides that, he loved the taste of them. "Because…the last time I got drunk I slept with another man. And no I don't want to talk about it. But yes that is why me and Spock are fighting. We're trying to work it out. Now get your butts over here and let's start the twenty first century movie marathon."

Jim found himself squeezed between the two males as he hugged Spock's pillow in his lap. The movies were mostly from Disney about princesses and magic. He didn't have to think for a few hours as they watched a princess who could build castles out of snow and another turn their mother into a bear. Jim found himself leaning on Bones' shoulder as his eyes grew heavy.

The sleepy human lifted his head as Sarek flicked through a new set of movies to watch. "Hey what we watching now?" He rubbed his eyes and tried to sit up a little more.

"I was thinking of a documentary of human history. It should bore you enough to fall asleep." He spoke as the opening began to play. A flag made of red, white, and black showed on the screen before melting into children running and playing in a plaza. It switched to a house being packed up and a lady getting out of a very old car.

"Hey, isn't that model made in the…nineteen thirties to the nineteen forties?" Jim asked as he sat up just a little more.

"Of course you would perk up by the sight of an old car. I'm not sure. It was before the third world war." Bones looked at Sarek. "What era is this taking place in?"

Sarek grabbed a blanket and laid it over Jim as he once more laid his head on Bones' shoulder. "I believe Jim is right. It is the earth's early years. That symbol was used by what was once a German ruler. If my memory is correct about early Earth history I believe this movie takes place in World War One. When Hitler was in power."

The movie quickly turned from the boys playing as airplanes to people being forced into the back of truck. "Huh…you sure know your stuff." Jim said as he watched the movie. "We really don't cover that sort of history in school anymore. Too old I suppose. Wasn't World War One about…"

Bones felt Jim shift on the couch to sit up fully. "Genocide I think."

Jim swallowed and felt his stomach drop. He had a feeling he would not like this movie. Two painful hours later and he knew for a fact that he really did not like the movie. He blinked rapidly a few times before standing. He gave a smile to both men. "I'm tired…I think I'm going to go to bed."

He glanced back to the screen that had the ending credits rolling. He could have lived without ever watching the movie. "Jim are you alright?" Sarek asked as he too stood seeing his son-in-law wobble on his feet.

"Yeah. Totally. I'm fine. Just really tired." He pulled his sweater tighter around his thin frame. "I'm just tired. I'm going to go to bed. Why don't you two go ahead and eat dinner or watch more movies?"

He gave them one last smile before going to his room. Bones shared a look with Sarek. "I don't think we should have let him watch that."

"Indeed. However, I did not think he would have such a strong reaction to it. Maybe the movie reminded him of Spock's condition. He has never been in a situation like that in Starfleet, correct?" Sarek tilted his head to the bedroom and frowned as he heard the bathroom fan turn on.

Bones shook his head. "No. Never. What's up? Is he okay in there?" Bones turned to look down the hall trying to hear anything out of the ordinary.

"I believe Jim is throwing up. Should we check on him?" Sarek stood and took a few steps to the hall.

Bones stood as well and walked down the hall. He stood outside of Jim's door and listened to him empty the contents of his stomach before turning on the water. Moments later Jim was in his bedroom getting into bed. Bones walked to Sarek and shook his head. "No, let the kid sleep. He needs it. We can ask him in the morning." He let out a sigh. "Should have stuck with the princesses."

 _Jim walked in a barren land filled with rock and dust. The air was hot and the sun was merciless. He felt like he was going to die. He couldn't die. He had others looking up to him for survival. He had to live. If only just to see them safe in a new life. His eyes burned as he made his way over large rocks. The skin on his hands broke and bled. He had to get to that cave. He could rest for just a while and make his way back to the others._

 _He pulled himself up onto the ledge gasping for air. His thin arms shook as he pushed himself up from where he collapsed. A hand reached out for him and he nearly fell back over the cliff face in fright. That hand clamped down on his arm and pulled him forward. He lay panting beside the other boy and smiled. "Thanks. I owe you."_

 _Brown eyes stared into his own blue. "That would be illogical. Why are you out here? Can you inform me of where we are?"_

 _Jim sat back and stared at the strange boy with a bowl cut hair. He looked clean which Jim hadn't been in days. He also looked well fed. He had on strange clothes that Jim had never seen before. "You hit your head or something? How can you not know where we are? Where you come from anyways? You didn't come from the colony did you?"_

 _The dark haired boy shook his head. "No. I am not sure how I got here. What do you know of this place? Are we on a desert world?"_

 _Jim shook his head. "No. It wasn't like this a few months ago. I don't know what happened…you should stay away from any of the adults. Especially those in uniform. They will try to take you in or worst. I wouldn't go near any of the older children either. I have some kids waiting on me to get back. We don't have much but extra set of hands are always welcomed."_

 _The boys sat in silence for a while. "You never answered where you come from." Jim stated as he looked the boy over once again. The green hue of his skin was strange. It was then Jim noticed the points to the other boy's ears. "You have pointed ears!" He quickly reached for them and traced them with his fingers. "They are so cute. What are you anyways?"_

 _The other boy pushed Jim's hands away. "Please do not do that. They are very sensitive. I am a Vulcan." Clouds above them started to roll in as the sky lit with lightening. Thunder made the ground shake. "What is your name?"_

 _Jim stared at his hands watching as they became soaked in green blood. "Vulcan…like him…"_

 _Two small hands wrapped around Jim's as the other boy stared at the blood appearing around them. Red and green mixing together in thick waves. "Like who? What is going on?"_

 _Jim looked up into very human brown eyes. Brown eyes he should know. "Spock…" The world began to crumble around them and Jim fell. Only the other boy's hand on his wrist kept him from falling to his death._

" _How do you know my name? Who are you?" The Vulcan asked as he pulled trying to lift the small and clearly underfed human back up. His eyes widen as Jim whispered a single world, Ashayam. "Jim…" The blood soaked hand slipped through his. "Jim!"_

 _Jim fell into a pool of green and red. It sucked at his clothes and skin. It drug him under refusing to let him go. Thousands of rotting corpse pointed at him chanting words he could not hear._

Jim sat up in bed screaming. He kicked and shoved until all the blankets were off his body. He gasped for air. He could still taste the blood in his mouth. He could feel it on his skin. Two people called his name. His eyes quickly searched for them. They were safe. He saw Bones and Sarek standing in the door way of his bedroom.

"Nightmare…" He mumbled as he pushed his sweaty hair back from his face. He couldn't help the cringe he gave. The sweat had soaked his hair making it one wet mess.

"Nightmare Jim? You woke up the whole damn neighborhood screaming like that. What the hell could it have been that made you scream like someone was killing you?" Bones rubbed over the spot where his heart should be. He was sure it had jumped out of his chest and ran away as he woke up from dead sleep to his friend screaming.

Jim flopped back on the bed. "Nothing Bones. Just a really bad dream." He closed his eyes and covered them with one arm. He would have to shower after this.

"Jim you forget I was your damn roommate for years at the academy. You have never screamed like this. What gives?" He walked to the bed and sat at the foot leaving the chair open for Sarek. The older man took the seat.

Jim sighed and looked at Bones. "I had a strange dream. Nothing to it. I was a kid and I met Spock as a kid. Then things got disturbing. I died. It isn't anything to worry about."

Bones just gave him a look asking if he was out of his mind. "Jim…is it because of the movie?"

The former captain groaned and pushed himself out of his laying position. "No Bones. It doesn't matter. I just had a bad dream. I am going to take a shower. I feel disgusting."

As soon as Jim disappeared into the bathroom Bones and Sarek returned to the kitchen. "You think he is lying?" He asked the older Vulcan. They had surprisingly hit it off with each other over the mutual need to protect Jim.

"Perhaps, his heart sped up when he said it was just a bad dream. It could be caused by the stress of the dream. He has never had dreams like that before?" Sarek stared at the bedroom door where it stood closed. His eyes returned to Bones as the doctor shook his head. "As I am sure you are aware Vulcans are telepathic. With training we can sense things. Jim was terrified. Whatever had happened in his dream made him scared beyond measure."

Jim could not fall back asleep after he had that dream. It was so real. He could remember the way the sun had beat down on him. He could remember the way Spock's hand felt on his. He dressed in warm clothes and slipped into the living room. Bones was snoring lightly on the couch. Sarek was in Spock's room. He pulled on his shoes at the door before slipping out into the early predawn light. He needed to feel normal. Running always helped him.

He wasn't too surprised when he heard the door open and Sarek stood there. "I'm not a kid that needs babysitting. I'm just going on a run. Spock use to run with me. He would always do a few extra laps after I finished but we use to do this together."

Sarek nodded and stepped out into the brisk air. "I know you are not a child Jim but I felt that you would like to have company on your run. As I am older then Spock is perhaps you would be kind enough to keep it slow for me?"

Jim did a double take before a smile spread across his face. "Are…are you trying to joke with me? Why? Shouldn't you hate me? I had sex with someone who wasn't your son. I am the reason we are in counseling in the first place."

Not waiting for an answer Jim started his jog and Sarek kept pace beside him. "Simply put Jim, I do not hate you. You know Vulcans do feel we just do not let our emotions cloud our judgement. You are a good man and I can feel the regret you have. However, I do not think I have the whole picture. Why would you cheat on Spock in the first place? When you started dating my son you failed to notice anyone but him when they flirted with you. Except for those that reminded you of Spock. Those you would subconsciously flirt with."

Jim looked at Sarek. "I did not!" He tried to think and felt his face burn as he realized he had flirted with people that reminded him of Spock. "At least I didn't mean to."

"That is why I said subconsciously. Jim would you answer me if I asked why you went to that bar that night and what happened?" Sarek slowed as Jim slowed his jog into a light walk.

Jim looked around before sighing. "I…I went to the bar because we were not talking. Two months and we had not said a word to each other. I couldn't take it anymore and got drunk. I had just wanted to forget that we were fighting. Instead I winded up waking up in some stranger's room with a killer hangover and…well you know the rest. I had sex with him. End of story. I went home. Things got worst with Spock and we sought counseling."

They had nearly stopped walking as Jim thought about that night. "What caused you two to fight in the first place?"

Jim licked his lips and looked around. "Would you believe me if I were to say it doesn't matter?" When all he got was a blank stare he sighed. "I thought not. With the destruction of Vulcan…some things have been thrown off. Certain cycles…" He raised his eyebrows and Sarek nodded in understanding. "We thought we would have more time but instead of every seven years it seems it has shortened down to every three. Nyota being his first time ever…With the bond being so new and stuff…You know Nyota was pregnant right? When he went into Pon Farr he sensed it and things were easy for them.

He mostly wanted to cuddle with her and dolt on her. With mind blowing sex but nothing that could harm the child or Nyota." He looked away as he started to walk a little faster. "It…wasn't the same for me. I don't know why. Well other than the fact that I was a guy. He would get angry that the meld wouldn't work. It hurt so much…I get emotional transference from a mind meld…but this…it was like my skin was being ripped off and my brain being shoved into a blinder. When Selek initiated a mind meld it didn't hurt like that."

Jim wouldn't look a Sarek as he continued down the familiar path. "Not to mention it hit suddenly and without warning. It also lasted eight days instead of the three he thought it would. We really didn't get to discuss what we would do when it came down to it. He gave me some basic guidelines but it really did not help. Three really. Don't fight him as it could lead him to hurting me. Don't leave him again because he could see it as me trying to get away…"

His words dropped off as they climbed the hill. "What was the third rule he gave you Jim?"

Jim stopped and looked out at the woods that lined the road. They were getting further away from the houses and into the place he would go to when he needed to clear his head. "Never ask for help from anyone."

He tried to continue the walk but Sarek stopped him with a gentle but firm hand on his arm. "What happened Jim?"

The human looked away taking in the woods and the soft sounds of animals getting ready for winter. "I'm not an overly religious person. I have no idea where I will go after I die. I know that Vulcan's Katra goes to the collective group after a Vulcan dies. I just hope that wherever I end up it is with Spock…About day three or so I begged for it to end. I prayed because I just couldn't take it anymore. Spock tried to kill me. Where it was just bruises before he broke bone. When he had his hands around my throat I thought I was going to die. It was like the bridge all over again but you were not there to tell him to stop.

I know…it wasn't him. Primal urges he can't stop. So I don't blame him for hurting me. I just…I needed time before I could let him touch me. We went two months without speaking to each other. Then the bar happened. We went another three without talking. We started talking at the beginning of last month. Even agreed to go to counseling. I hugged him." Jim tilted his head up as he blinked rapidly. It didn't help much with the tears that pooled in his eyes.

"We even got to cuddle in bed again. Do you realize just how hard it is to want to touch someone and know that you can't because you see them hurting you every time you get close to? Every night I would dread going to sleep because I couldn't stop the dreams. They were worst then what happened. He would actually kill me or it would never stop."

Sarek gave a soft sigh and pulled Jim lightly against him. "Actually I do know what you mean. I hurt Amanda in a similar way. Not intentionally of course but I did hurt her in much the same way Spock hurt you. We never told Spock of course. However, it did lead to us having problems. She spent two years unable to bear my touch and I gave her the space she needed. The only difference between our situations is I talked to her and sought a tutor to help me control my urges in those times. Humans are very fragile compared to being with another Vulcan. We have to restrain ourselves. I am sorry Jim. For what has happened to you and for not teaching my son better control."

Jim made a face as he pulled away. "One that is beyond creepy hearing you say you're sorry especially for something you did not do. Two I don't think any son would want to have that sort of conversation with their father. How would that even go? No don't answer that. I really don't want to know." Jim shook his head before going back to jogging. "Don't you even think about trying to enlighten me." He makes a gagging sound and scrunches his nose. "Nope picturing it is bad enough."

They shared a laugh as they finished their run. Jim felt lighter after talking about what happened. He would have to apologies to Spock for spilling the beans to his father but that mean Spock would need to wake up for that.

 _Jim was walking through the woods. All of the trees were husk of what they use to be. Grey and covered broken, there was not even a single leaf on any of the trees. There was no sounds of animal or bugs. Everything was dying. This whole world was dying. He would die too hopefully protecting the others but he couldn't control that. He was careful not to touch any of the white fuzzy growth that covered the fallen trees._

 _The fungus would attack anything that was alive and would kill him in a slow painful death if he wasn't careful. Jim wouldn't have come anywhere near the forest if he hadn't been running for his life. They were broadening their search patterns. They would find the hideout if he didn't get back in time._

 _He stumbled out into the clearing and froze seeing he was not alone. A boy slightly older then himself was kneeling next to a fallen tree examining the fungus that grew there. He started to reach out to touch it. Before Jim knew what he was doing he tackled the boy to the ground and away from the deadly plant._

" _Are you crazy or do you just want to die?!" Jim hissed as he stared at the taller male. The first thing he noticed was the startling brown eyes and then the cute nose. Next came the pointed ears and strange bowl cut hair. "Why would you try to touch it? It will kill you!"_

 _The boy grabbed his arms. "Jim! Where are we and why are you a child? What is this place? Where did you go the last time?"_

 _Jim pulled away from the other boy frowning. He freed the knife and placed it against the strange elf like boy's throat. "Who are you and how do you know my name?!" He was breathing hard. "You were sent by him weren't you? You had to be. Just look at you." Green blood oozed over the thin blade making Jim frown even more. He had never seen green blood before._

" _Green…" The area around them wavered. Where there had been dead trees and gray dirt there were sky scrapers and cars. One destroyed and dyed in green blood. Jim backed away as he felt his stomach lurch._

 _The strange child reached out for him grabbing his arm. "Jim!"_

Jim gasped for air as he sat up from where he had nodded off in the chair beside Spock's hospital bed. He rubbed his eyes as Bones entered the room with a bottle of water and a bag of chips. "You alright Jim? You're paler then death kid. What happen?"

Jim took the bottle of water. "Nothing…Just a dream." He leaned back against the seat of his chair. "Bones…I haven't once dreamed of Spock's accident in the eight weeks since the crash. For the last two days I've been dreaming about Spock. Now either I am a shitty husband that doesn't care that their bondmate isn't waking up or…"

Bones sat in the unoccupied chair. Sarek was away on business at the moment and wasn't able to join them on this visit. "Or you are starting to accept that he might not be waking up? Jim you were not sleeping when I got here. I had to hypo you so you would sleep. Do you realize how badly your vitals where thrown off by the time I hypoed you? You were days from killing yourself from lack of sleep alone. You were hallucinating Jim!

So maybe you didn't dream about him or you couldn't remember if you did. Jim, have you thought that maybe you are finally comfortable enough to sleep more than four hours every two days? I know I'm just a doctor and have no clue what I am say when it comes to dream interpretation. I just think that you dreaming about him is a good thing. It helps you work out your stress and…might help you learn something from the dreams."

Jim smiled as he sipped his water. "Learn something huh? I doubt it but alright. I don't know what I could possibly learn from seeing child Spock."

Bones laughed and looked at Spock. "Child Spock? Have you ever seen him as a kid? I don't think that would be very cute at all. I bet he had a sour look on his face even then."

The former captain tilted his head. "Huh…I don't think I actually ever saw a picture of Spock as a child. I probably saw a Vulcan child when we rescued them…Maybe. I really don't remember. But you can't make things up in your dreams. Everything in dreams comes from seeing it in real life. Even if you don't remember it. And you actually dream in color for the most part. Though the colors are normally muted. You just think they are vibrant when you wake up."

Both of the two men sat in silence. "Jim, what did his father say about Spock? Couldn't he just…do the mind voodoo and see why he isn't waking up?"

Sighing Jim shook his head. "No…He tried. He…can tell that Spock is still in there but he cannot reach him. Something about Spock being too deep in himself to be reached. He is trying to contact mind healers on New Vulcan but they are needed there. Apparently many of their youths are hitting Pon Farr early and aggressively. The destruction of Vulcan has thrown off many of their cycles. The average change to the cycle is between two and three years. Of course not everyone is affected like this. The elders and those close to Spock's father's age haven't been affected."

Bone nodded and looked at Jim as he rolled the water bottle between his fingers. "It makes sense. It is just nature's way to save their species." Bones stood and grabbed Jim's arm. "Alright you. Let's go. You are not spending all day moping by his bedside. You may be on medical leave from work but that does not mean you need to spend every second in this room. I know I am going to regret saying this but we are going to the gym and get in a good work out. Hopefully I don't die trying to keep up with you."

Jim laughed as he let Bones pull him up from the seat. "Oh hush you. I'm sure you can keep up with me now. I haven't exactly been taking care of myself. Granted I did gain ten pounds since you and Sarek have been shoving food in my face every chance you get."

 _Jim stood in the pouring rain. It chilled him to the bone and made both his feet and hands go numb. His eyes would not move from the pile of rocks that housed the youngest of his children. They were his to protect and he was failing them. Why couldn't Starfleet come already? Why did they have to let them suffer a slow death? Why didn't his mother come? She had to realize by now none of her mail had been answered._

 _He hated her. He hated Starfleet for abandoning them. Jim wanted them to burn. It wasn't some great organization that did big and important things. It was just a lie. They took everything from him. His father. His mother. Even Sam. His aunt and uncle. If Starfleet hadn't been short on the supply drop then his aunt would still be here. His uncle who was showing him how to build a bike would still be here._

 _He heard the sound of a rock sliding against another. It could be one of those soldiers. He should try to get away but he just couldn't. He couldn't do it anymore. Jim just wanted it to end. Blue orbs met brown as a small boy was suddenly across from Jim. He wanted to laugh at the sight. So he did. He didn't care that it was more manic than anything else. Or how it broke into sobs even though his eyes refused to shed more tears._

" _I'm finally seeing things…Well at least you are pretty for a hallucination. You look like a fairy. Are you a fairy? Did you cause all this because we came here? Sam told me about fairies…they can do anything. They can grant any wish. Can you grant my wish?"_

 _The fairy like creature came closer and took his cold hands into their slightly larger ones. "That would depend on the wish Jim." Brown eyes stared at him as the fairy child rubbed his hands bringing warmth back into them._

 _Jim was a little afraid that this fairy boy knew his name but it was understandable. Fairies were smart and knew a lot of things. "Can you bring back Malia? She was only six months old. She just wouldn't stop coughing. The fever wouldn't go down. I tried."_

 _He felt warm arms wrap around him pulling him close. It hurt to be touched. His body was nothing but skin stretched over bone now. "I cannot bring back the dead Jim. I did not cause this calamity that has stripped this world bare. Can you tell me what happened here? I come from somewhere far away and I want to help. Tell me how I can help."_

 _The human finally began to shiver as warmth returned to his limbs. "Starfleet didn't bring as much supplies as they normally did. Then there was crop failure. The forest started to be taken over. It killed all the animals…" Jim kept staring over the fairy's shoulder to the pile of rocks. There was someone else that needed him. Someone that he held very dear. "If you can't help the dead can you help the living? There is someone I love…I would do anything for him but I can't get to him."_

 _He felt the fairy stiffen at the words love and can't get to him. "Why can't you get to him? I might be able to help if I know what is preventing you from getting to the person you love."_

 _Jim frowned as he tried to recall a face or a name. "I can't remember…I don't know anymore…" He had to remember his precious person. "Brown…his eyes are brown. And he wears blue." Jim turned and looked at the fairy. "He has your eyes…What is your name?"_

 _The fairy looked away and then back at him. "I don't want you to go away again. Jim, please try to stay with me."_

 _The frown deepened on Jim's face. "I don't understand. This is the first time we met. I have to go back. I have the kids that need me. They won't survive if I stay with you. Why don't you come with me?"_

 _The rain began to freeze. The grave was swept away and they stood on an icy plain. Jagged and razor sharp spikes of ice stood up everywhere. "Jim, I cannot go with you. Have you ever heard of a fairy tale of sleeping beauty? The princess couldn't wake up without the prince's help. Can you help me Jim? I will help you with the person you love if you can wake me up. Please some-"_

Jim jerked awake and nearly fell off the bed as someone shook him awake. Jim felt his heart try to beat its way out of his chest as he tried to get away from the enemy. He fell out of bed and kicked the sheets from his legs. He got up quickly before backing away from whoever was in his room. His back hit the wall as he stared at a man who was slightly older then him with brown eyes.

The frighten man rubbed his face and groaned. "Damn it Bones! Don't do that to me. You scared me half to death."

Bones snorted and picked up the blankets that had spilled onto the floor. "Don't Bones me. You were crying in your sleep. I would have left you be but you started thrashing about. I was afraid that you would have hurt yourself. You were calling out for Spock…"

The former captain sighed and made his way back to bed. "You are such an ass Bones." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't think I am going to be able to go back to sleep now." He looked at the clock. It was barely two in the morning. "Is Sarek still here?"

"No he left shortly after you went to bed. Why?" Bones handed Jim a glass of water that he had intended to drink for himself but upon hearing Jim cry out he had forgotten it.

Jim looked up at Bones after he finished off the water. "Because I need to talk to him. I think there is more to my dreams. It isn't just the vividness of them Bones, it's like it is real. Taste, sound, touch, all of it. Dreams are not like that. Yeah I get really vivid dreams but not like these have been. When I wake up I have to question if it they are real."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Wake Up Alone

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

Author's Note: What do you guys think, should I write two stories that lead up to this one? One that takes place with Jim and Spock being a child and then the second being how they got together? How about if I get ten yeses/reviews for chapter ten then I will do it? How are you guys liking this so far? Any suggestions or concerns?

This has not gone through a beta but I will edit it when it does.

WARNINGS:

Bones was silent for a long while. "Jim…dreams are just that, dreams. They are nothing more than images that our brains make up to help your mental health. They help you work out problems that you are suffering. I am concerned about you Jim. First you are not sleeping and now you can't tell the difference between your dreams and reality. I don't like this Jim."

The younger man sighed and set down the glass of water now empty of its contents. "Maybe you are right. Besides it's late. I don't want to wake Sarek." Jim laid back against the bed pulling the light sheet over him. He didn't want to sleep. He didn't want the dreams that came with sleeping but he wanted to see Spock again. He needed to see Spock again. He closed his eyes hoping for a peaceful rest. He began to doze but forced his eyes open a crack. "Hey Bones…If my dreams are just that dreams…Why can I still taste blood in my mouth?"

Bones sighed and got to his feet. "You probably bit your tongue or something. Get some rest kid."

The former captain shifted in the bed before grabbing the pillow he took from Spock's room. He pulled it against his chest, squeezing it tightly. He could hear Bones in the other room getting a glass of water before making himself comfortable on Jim's couch. "Spock…if you really are trying to talk to me in my dreams give me something to go on. I don't like where you are in my dreams. Pick someplace else." He looked down at the pillow and sighed. It was the one with the animal print on it. He had gotten it for him as a joke but Spock had found it endearing. Even though he disliked the bright colors and overly simplified animals he slept with it every night. It had been moved to the guest room the same time Spock had moved in it.

 _Jim found himself walking along a shoreline. He was sixteen and reckless. Things were different since he got back. He couldn't stand the way these…idiots could complain about boyfriends being late on a date or because the waiter brought them a hamburger with onions instead of without. They then would send it back. He would have killed someone for the food they wasted. He had killed for less food then that._

 _His feet sunk in the sand which bothered him. It left tracks that could be followed. Leaving tracks would get someone killed. The ocean would wash the prints away. That was a plus. In the distance he could see a tall and quite lanky man sitting in the distance. He was looking at the horizon almost as if he was studying it. The man turned his head and stared at Jim._

 _Oddly enough Jim did not mind the way the man looked at him. It wasn't with pity like his mother and it wasn't with disdain like her newest boyfriend. So he had an attitude with older men, it wasn't like he was trying to kill him. Jim even had a reason to not trust men. Not after everything he saw. He could barely tolerate teens around his age and even then that was questionable on a good day._

 _Still the man that watched him wasn't being a creep. His eyes didn't hold the same sort of lust or hatred that he had dealt with before. He wasn't all that easy to read but Jim didn't feel the need to run from him. Instead he continued along his path and stood next to the man. He could feel the salty spray hit his feet. "First time seeing an ocean?"_

 _The man turned from where he had gone back to staring at the horizon to Jim. "No. I was once in a ship under the ocean."_

 _Jim tilted his head. "Marine biologist?" That was something. Maybe he could be a marine biologist himself. He could get away from Iowa permanently._

" _No but I do know a thing or two about science. Is this your first time seeing the ocean?" The man asked before turning to look out at the sea again._

 _Jim stared at the soft points of his ear. "No but it is the first time I saw one on Earth. Alright this is going to be rude of me but what are you? I've lived in Iowa and I haven't seen anyone with a skin tone like yours or your ear shape."_

 _The man turned once again to look at Jim. "I am a Vulcan. May I ask your name?" He tugged his sweater sleeves down making them cover his wrist._

" _Jim. You don't act like how they tell us Vulcan's act." He sat down on the rock that the Vulcan was sitting on._

" _No I suppose not. I have my captain to think for that. He is a great man. However, he seems to be having a difficult time at the moment." Brown eyes turned to look at Jim again. "His bondmate is unable to wake up. I am not sure why. As a Vulcan I can tell that his bondmate is aware of his state and cannot find a way to wake up on his own. He is not in a healing trance. What would you suggest my captain do? He is very devastated and seems to be overly reliant on his bondmate."_

 _Jim couldn't help himself he snorted before laughing. "I would tell him to grow a pair and stop whining. Depending on others is just going to get him killed. He should know that as a captain." Jim leaned back on his arms and stared out at the sea. He missed the water of the colony. It shined so much brighter then Earth's ocean. "No such thing as love. The sooner he realizes that the better off he will be. I thought you Vulcan's were smart. Why don't you tell your captain that he should just move on?"_

 _Those brown eyes filed with pain as the Vulcan looked away. "…Would you give up on your bondmate if it was you?"_

 _Jim sat forward and looked at the other male. He seemed so much older than Jim but he looked to be about Jim's age. "If this is a pick up line your wasting your time. I don't do serious relationships. They don't work out and they are not fun at all. You have all the 'I love yous' and remembering important dates. Not interested."_

 _The Vulcan chuckled and shook his head. "No this is not a pick up line. It is a simple question. Would you give up on your bondmate if he was unable to wake up?"_

" _No, I wouldn't give up on him. I would put him out of his misery. He isn't waking up. From the sound of it he won't ever wake up or if he did he would still be a weakness to his captain. I would pull the plug. It is far kinder then letting him suffer in a fantasy world." There wasn't any hit of hesitance in Jim's voice._

 _If it was at all possible the sad look in the Vulcan's eyes grew. "I would not have thought you to be someone so heartless or believe in no win scenario's Jim."_

 _The teen snorted and looked away. "Well that shows what you know. And it isn't a no win scenario. I am saving the man from living as a vegetable for the rest of his life. To possibly be hurt or worst. It's called mercy. Sometimes…you have to be heartless…and get your hands a little bloody."_

 _Somehow that felt wrong to Jim. As if that wasn't quite what he believed anymore. Jim rubbed his ear as a strange sound buzzed in it. "Do you hear that? What is that?"_

 _The Vulcan would not look at Jim as he stared out at the sky. Storm clouds were rolling in. The sun had vanished below the horizon and the wind picked up. It blew sand everywhere and Jim had to squint. The water rushed in crashing against the rock spraying them with its icy drops. The wind ripped at Jim's clothes as the sky let loose its fury. Thick heavy drops of rain hit every surfaces drenching the two instantly._

" _What is this? What is going on?" Jim had to yell to be heard over the wind. He looked around and noticed that they were now sitting on a lone rock in the middle of the sea. The air ripping at them almost pushing Jim off the rock. He knew he did not want to get in the water. If he did there would be no coming back._

" _It would seem that someone is granting your wish Jim. They are granting me mercy." The Vulcan said as he looked up at the sky. "You should wake up now Jim. Before this world completely collapses on us." Finally, brown eyes met blue. Longing, love, and sadness filled the brown eyes as he stared at Jim._

 _The teen felt the ground below them tremble as more of the land mass broke away to join the sea. "What are you talking about?! This can't be a dream." Jim searched those brown eyes. He knew them. He had to know them. He has seen them a hundred of times. "…Spock…"_

 _The rocks beneath Spock crumbled sending him into the ocean. "NO!" Without though or pause Jim flung himself after. He would not let Spock face this alone. The water rushed in over his head. It sapped all feeling from his skin. His arms and legs grew numb and yet he willed them to go on. To find his bondmate. Even if it meant death he would not lose him._

 _He swam in the darkness reaching out for where he could sense Spock. His lungs burned with the need for air. There! He felt Spock's hand. He just had to grab it. He had to hold on and get him out of the water. He wasn't ready to go there yet. But…his kids were there. They would be waiting for him. He could see them again. He would be with Spock and nothing would hurt anymore. He should just give up. It wasn't so bad here._

 _Something hot grabbed his hand and he felt it burn its way up his arm. Spock was there. He would be alright. He could give up now. He pulled Spock to him and hugged him close. He could close his eyes now and he would be with Spock and his children. Everyone he couldn't save before. They were sinking further and further into the dark. The burning in his lungs had stopped._

 _Jim opened his eyes as those warm arms wrapped around his cold body. If he gave up…he couldn't tell Spock how sorry he was. What about the others? His other children? Or Bones. It would kill Bones if they were never to come back. That would be okay. His kids were grown with lives of their own now. Bones had his baby girl. Spock father would be alone if Spock died. If Spock died…He couldn't let Spock die! With all of his strength he kicked his legs forcing them back to the surface. Spock could not die._

Jim fell out of bed gasping for air. He struggled to stand and walk. His body felt so heavy and the world would not stop spinning. He felt someone's hand on his shoulder. "Jim calm down! You need to stay still. I don't know what sort of mind voodoo that damn hobgoblin did to you but your heart stopped."

Jim pushed Bones' hand off his shoulder. "Spock…" He tried to take deep breaths. He couldn't catch his breath. He felt tears streaking down his face. He had to get to Spock.

Bones grabbed both of Jim's shoulders. "Jim, listen to me…The hospital called a while ago. He…Spock flat lined and they couldn't get his heart to start back up. His father left to see what he can do…but Jim…Jim stop!"

Jim shoved past Bones and ran. He grabbed the keys from off the table and got to the car somehow. He even got it started before Bones got out of the house. Spock could not die. Not without telling him he is sorry. Jim could barely see past the tears spilling down his cheeks. Twice he nearly got hit by a car before he slammed to a stop in front of the hospital.

He got out of the car only to be stopped by someone yelling at him that he couldn't park there. He ran up the three flights of stairs to Spock's room. He stood outside of it hearing the doctors yelling. He could hear Spock's father's normally calm voice. He couldn't make out a word of what was being said. Jim places a shaky hand on the door and pushed.

Author's note: Yes I just did that to you. Sorry for the two week wait. I will try to get out one or two more chapters this week. I know it isn't very long and I am sorry about that but I really didn't want to drag the dream out. See you next time. Grab chocolates and fuzzy blankets.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: What We Could Have Done

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I do not currently have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

A really big shout out to Pawprintedwriter. I haven't worked on this story in so long. A lot of things happened that I couldn't avoid and I was a little discouraged from writing for a long while. Things have gotten better. Thank you Pawprintedwriter for reviewing. It gave me the motivation to continue writing on this story.

WARNINGS: None

The room was in chaos. Nurses and doctor's ran back and forth making adjustments while Sarek stood to the side out of the way. His dark brown eyes fell on Jim and he took the six steps it took to reach him. He grasped the younger male on the arm and pulled him into an embrace. "He lives Jim. They were able to start his heart. They are trying to stabilize him."

Jim felt his knees give and was instantly grateful the older Vulcan had his arms around him. He shook like a leaf. "I…Sarek. We need to talk. Not now…after…after he is stable." The Vulcan nodded and both took a seat out of the doctor's way. His knee bounced as Jim twisted his fingers together. Spock had to be okay.

Three long hours later the doctor's filed out of the room. Jim ran his fingers through his unruly hair and looked over at his father-in-law. "You are about to think I am crazy. Just…don't have me shipped off just yet to the closes mental institution."

Sarek's eyebrow arched in the way only a Vulcan's could. "Jim, whatever you tell me I will not send you to a mental institution. It is not my call to make."

Jim nodded and let his eyes fall back to his bondmate. "Good. I think…we are talking to each other…when I am sleeping. I know it sound crazy but…I know it has to be him. He can't wake up on his own. He told me."

A cool hand fell on Jim's shoulder. "Jim-"

The former starship captain pulled away from Sarek. "Don't. Don't talk to me in that tone of voice. I know alright? I know just how crazy this makes me sound and I know how stupid it is. You can't talk to someone in your dreams. It's likely my own mind playing tricks on me. Am I right? But I know what I felt and what I saw. I know that I saw Spock. The area always changes and his age matches my own in sleep but…it's him."

Silence descended in the room. "Jim, I do not think you are crazy. I do believe you are under a lot of stress and that it could trigger…these dreams. You are nearly psynull as is nearly every human. However, there may be some truth to your words. You have a bond link to my son. It is possible that he is trying to reach you through it. In doing so you would have been pulled into his mind. Much like a mindmeld. I have no evidence to prove one way or the other and I am not skilled enough to follow your connection to my son."

The human huffed and looked down at the floor. "So, it's pointless then? Just great." His eyes quickly sought out his bondmate's prone form on the bed. He hated seeing Spock so still.

"I did not say that Jim. I am not skilled enough to do it but there are other's that can. The mind healer I have sought counsel with has decided to make the journey from New Vulcan to Earth to see what she can do. All we can do now is wait until she gets here." Sarek laid his hand on the thin shoulders of the former captain giving a small squeeze.

Jim turned to look at the older male and gave a weak smile. "You are getting old if you are showing so much affection for me."

Sarek gave a nod and lowered his hand. "Perhaps. Or perhaps I do not show enough. If I had raised my son in a more human way then maybe he would not have had such difficulties fitting in. If I had moved to Earth when my wife gave birth to him. We cannot change the past no matter how much we may wish it but we can grow to accept it and change accordingly."

After a long moment Jim nodded and stood. "That is true. What do you plan to do now that they got him stable again?"

"I was in the mind of keeping you company as you stand watch over my son. I can leave if you want." Sarek said and waited for a response. When Jim shook his head, he settled back into his seat. "Thank you for letting me stay."

Snorting Jim turned back to the other male. "I wouldn't ask you to leave. You're his dad. It wouldn't be right. Damn, I am such an ass. Here I've been thinking of just myself and you…this must be killing you."

The room was silent as Sarek collected his thoughts. "It is difficult to see him like this. He is my son…and the last part of Amanda that I have left. If he were to die it would be like losing both of them. I am, dealing as you would say, better than I would have been if I were alone. I have you to worry about and it has helped some."

Jim smiled and looked away. "Thanks, old man. I think I am going to grab some water. Want some?" As soon as he got the confirmative he was out the door and down the hall looking for the nearest vending machine. If he took longer than what was necessary or that his eyes were puffy and red Sarek did not call him out on it.

Jim sat in his chair by Spock's bed rolling the bottle between his hands. His mind whirling over the dreams he had. He sat that way for hours until Bone's joined them after talking with the staff. "Hey Bones. What did they say?"

The older male sighed and took the last remaining seat. "Nothing much really. They don't know why his heart suddenly stopped when he was hooked up to the machine. They don't know why his heart started again either. Best hospital my left toe. They think there was a power surge through the system and it stopped the machine from running." The doctor ran his fingers over his face. "How are you holding up kiddo?"

Jim snorted and leveled a look at his longtime friend. "Fine mom. What about you? You're working in a few hours, right? Shouldn't you get some sleep?"

The doctor nodded. "I can sleep here just as well as at your house. The wonders of doing house calls is I don't have a full shift. I can do the few appointments that I have and go home to sleep. Sleeping beauty here should be fine without a third pair of eyes watching him."

The bottle slowed before coming to a complete stop between his fingers. "Hey…That's the old story. The one where the princess couldn't wake up until the prince kissed her."

Bones' let out a low groan. "I swear Jim if you kiss that hobgoblin while I am in here I will hypo you into next week. This isn't a fairy tale kid."

The former captain jumped out of his seat. "I know that Bones, just hear me out. It was something Spock said to me. You just gave me an idea. He said he couldn't wake up like a princess from a fairy tale. That something was keeping him asleep."

The grumpy southern doctor sat up more in his chair. He had been hoping he could get a little more sleep before he had to go to work in a few hours. "So? What are you getting at Jim?"

Jim started to pace tossing his hand in the air. He turned to face the two other men. "In the story, it was a pin prick on the finger, right? That made the girl sleep. In the other one it was an apple that blocked the girl's windpipe. Now that doesn't apply here but what if something is making him sleep? What if he has a poison apple?" He let his hands drop down by his sides.

The room was silent for a moment before Bones' was out of his seat hollering for the doctors on staff. As the first doctor came in he grabbed the tricorder from his hands. "I'm a doctor I know what I am doing. Start scanning for foreign substances. No one is allowed to come in here unless they have been cleared through me."

The doctor looked baffled. "What do you think you are doing? Are you implying-"

"That someone is trying to kill my friend yes. If that is because someone is an idiot and screwed up is to be seen. Now get out of my way. I want a lab cleared so I can do your job." Bones ran the medical device over Spock. When the other doctor did not move he huffed and swore. "Do I need to hold your hand or something? Get! And bring me a tricorder that works better than this." He shook the thing. "I miss star fleet. They at least knew how to keep good equipment."

Author's Note 2: It may take some time before I update again. I want to be able to write out a few chapters before I post them. It's going to get rough from here.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Break Me Before You Go

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

Author's Notes: So…here we are nearly a year after my last post. I am so so sorry about leaving you guys like that. I make no promises on keeping it up to date but I am going to try to be better. I hope you guys have stuck around. Anyways everyone got their chocolates blankets, and comfort items? Yes? Good you are going to need them.

I do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: Um…Feel fest? Might be triggering. Please be causes as you read this.

Jim paced the room in a nervous daze as Bones' had yet to return to the room. It had been hours since Jim had heard anything. The tricorder the southern doctor had gotten ahold of did find a strange element that it could not identify. So they were running more test. It was driving Jim crazy. He wanted them to fix Spock and he wanted it now. This was the closest he had gotten to feeling hope in a long time. He turned as he reached the end of his twelve steps and spotted Spock's father who had stayed with him the for the last four hours waiting for news of some sort.

"Jim, perhaps you should set down? You haven't eaten in over twelve hours. You are starting to show signs of fatigue." Serek spoke from his spot near the opposite wall.

"I can't. If I stop moving…I just can't. How long does it take to run some test? Come on Bones." He huffed and continued his pacing. His eyes trailed over the unconscious form of his bondmate. Jim was this close to having Spock back. He could say he was sorry. He could tell him everything. He just needed Bones to fix the half Vulcan.

"Jim, you will not be any good to Spock if you pass out now from lack of sleep and proper nutrition. I will watch over him. Go and get something to eat." Serek's voice was soft as he spoke. Jim knew what he was doing. They only used that voice when they were concerned that he was slipping too far. If he wanted to avoid hypo sprays and lectures from Bones he would have to do as Serek said.

With a long-suffering groan and a huff, Jim slipped out of the room. He quickly hunted down the nearest vending machine. Standing there staring at the choices made him sick. What was the point in trying to eat right now? It would just come back up. Still Bones was likely to hypospray him if he didn't get something in his stomach. He left the vending machine in search of the cafeteria. They at least might have something that didn't make him want to void the contents of his stomach just by looking at them.

Three floors and two wrong turns later Jim found the small dining area he was looking for. He grabbed fruit and yogurt before going to the cashier and paying for the items. Putting them in his jacket pocket Jim started walking. "Mr. Kirk?" A young voice called out making him turn. "I thought that was you. Hi. How is your husband doing?"

A long pause followed before Jim was able to say anything. "I'm sorry but do I know you?" Her face was familiar but he really couldn't place where he saw her from. The woman smiled and offered her hand. Out of habit Jim took the offered hand and shook it.

"Sorry I guess you really wouldn't recognize me. I'm the nurse in charge of taking care of Mr. Spock. You've been there a few times when I came to do my rounds. The name is Len. Let me walk you back? You look kind of pale. Wouldn't want you to pass out and become a patient yourself." She gave a smile as she took her hand back rebalancing the tray of food.

"Right sorry. It's been a very stressful time. I am normally better at remembering people." Jim said as he started walking. "I look that bad huh?" The woman nodded sending her blonde curls bouncing. "That's well…I grabbed food…" A grimace pulled at his lips. That was not smooth at all. "I really am sorry. I'm not normally so…"

"Out of it? It's fine. I know how it feels to watch someone you care about suffer and not be able to do anything to help them." Len said as she kept pace with the former captain.

"Is that why you became a nurse?" They came to a door which put a halt to their conversation as Jim held it open for her.

"Yes, in fact it is. My father. He was badly burned when I was a child. It was an act of terrorism. He spent months recovering. I lost my mother in that attack. They never caught the ones that caused the fire." Len gave a sad smile as they continued on their way. "I do what I can now to take care of him."

They walked in silence back to Spock's room. Jim waved to the nurse as she continued on to the nurses' station. He paused as he stared at Serek. "Any changes?" He sat on the chair next to the older male before pulling out the cup of yogurt and fruits. He passed over a banana. "Yeah I know Vulcans don't eat with their hands but it's all I have for you. And don't give me the bull crap about not needing to eat as often as a human. It didn't work with Spock. It won't work with you."

There was the famous eyebrow raise. "I had no intentions of arguing with you Jim. If by eating fruit with my hands you eat as well, I see no logical reason not to." They ate in silence with Jim stirring his yogurt more than eating it but he did eventually get it down albeit long after Serek had finished the fruit.

"Doctor McCoy was here while you were gone. They may have isolated what was used to keep Spock asleep. Apparently, it is a compound of two medicines reacting with his Vulcan blood. They are working on something that should flush it from his system. If not, we just have to wait for the medicine to run its course." Serek watched his son as he spoke.

Looking away from where his husband lay in bed to the ambassador Jim felt his stomach sink. "Do we know if this was an accident?"

For a moment the older Vulcan did not speak. "That I cannot tell you. They are investigating everyone who has had contact with Spock. On their own the medicines should not have caused any issues. It is the hybrid nature of his blood that caused the problem."

"So there is no way to prove it either way? Great." Jim sighed and leaned back in his chair crossing his arms. His eyes slowly fell shut and he became blissfully unaware for the next few hours. Jim jerked awake as a strong hand shook his shoulder. He struggled to get out of his chair and face whoever touched him.

"Jim thought you might want to wake up now." Bones' voice filtered through his foggy head making him settle down instead of start swinging. A soft groan left Jim's lips. "Here drink this. You've been out for six hours."

He blinked slowly and rubbed at his eyes. "Why did you let me sleep so long?" He mumbled as he looked around. Anything he might have said else froze. He nearly fell out of his chair as he struggled to stand and move forward at the same time. "Spock?!"

Serek turned away from his son to catch Jim before he fell on the floor. "Careful Jim." Whatever else was said was lost as Jim moved to the bed where Spock was blinking sluggishly.

"Spock?" He whispered seeing his bondmate awake. His heart dropped into his stomach when those eyes shut again and didn't open. "Spock?" The word came out as a croak. His hands shook as he placed one on Spock's shoulder.

"He's showing signs of fully waking up Jim. We synthesized something to counter the medicine he was given. He's going to be okay kiddo." Bones' southern drawl filled the room as he laid a hand on his best friend's shoulder. "If all goes well he'll be awake in a few hours. Come on. You need a shower and a change of clothes. Thankfully I had the foresight of bringing you some. You can borrow the showers meant for staff. I don't think you want the hobgoblin to wake up to a smelly husband."

With a few more prods from the doctor Jim followed his friend out of the room to grab a quick shower and a change of clothes.

It was like being held under water until your lungs nearly burst only to surface to take in the air you desperately needed. That was how Spock felt as he opened his eyes and they were able to stay open. His father sat in a chair next to his bed. He recalled the last time he opened his eyes Jim had been there. "Where's Jim?" His voice came out rough from a long time of disuse.

"He went with Doctor McCoy to shower. We figured it would give him something to do while we waited for you to wake up." Serek spoke calmly though his own voice shook slightly. "It is…good to see you awake Spock. The appropriate thing here would be to ask how are you feeling."

His arms shook as Spock pushed himself into a siting position. "Satisfactory Father. Tell me how long was it that Jim left?"

Frowning Serek looked down at his son. "Twenty-three minutes and seven seconds ago. Spock you should not move around yet. I can go get Jim for you."

With quick and efficient hands Spock began removing wires and tubes from his body. "That will not be necessary. I have no intentions of speaking to him."

"Spock?" His father's voice rose as he stood from his sit to stop his son from removing anymore of the monitors. "What is the meaning of this?"

"It is exactly as I said. I have no intentions of speaking with Jim. I am returning to New Vulcan. Please make arrangements for transportation." His hands tightened in the blankets over his lap.

"Spock, this is not like you. You just woke up from a coma. Give it some time. I am sure things will clear up-" Whatever he was about to say died in his throat as he saw tears slide down his sons face. "Spock…This will hurt Jim if you leave without giving him a reason."

"I think I will hurt him either way. At least in this it will cause the least amount of pain. Please. Make arrangements so I can leave." His voice shook as he stared at his lap. His father could not understand. He had not been in Jim's mind. He had not heard the things Spock had. This was the best thing for them.

"…Alright Spock. However, I do expect an explanation." He slipped out of the room leaving Spock alone.

In a matter of seconds Spock removed himself of all the wires and tubes. His legs nearly gave out when he stood but they held. He would need to leave before Jim got back. It would hurt them less if they did not have another fight. Spock made his way to the nurses' station. "I want to sign my release forms." He held up a hand as soon as the woman started arguing. "If you don't give me the forms I will simply walk out of here."

"Sir I can't do that. You…You shouldn't even be up moving around. Let me go get the doctor." She was staling he knew that. He did not have time to waste. Already he could feel Jim leaving the showers. He would be back in seven minutes and thirty seconds.

Without saying another word, he walked away from the desk and returned to his room to dress in the clothes that someone had brought for him. Three minutes. Spock pulled on his shoes and stood. Once again, he made his way out of his room. Ignoring the nurses he made his way down the hall away from where he felt Jim.

"Spock!" He stopped walking hearing his bondmates voice. He swallowed hard against the lump forming in his throat and started walking again. "Spock wait!" He felt a stab of pain where his heart was. This was what the humans meant when they said they felt heart break. A human hand grabbed his arm but he refused to stop. "What the hell Spock talk to me!"

He stopped and looked down at his bondmate. "What do you want me to say Jim? You already know what I am doing." Another crack formed in his heart at the look on Jim's face.

"Why?" A choking sound escaped Jim's lips as tears formed in his eyes. "Why now? After everything. After watching you lay on that bed for weeks? Why?"

Spock let his eyes slide over Jim to McCoy. It was good to know Jim would not be alone after this. "Because Jim, this is not good for either of us. One day it will either kill you or me. I can not watch that happen. Tell me you would not have sought your death if I had not awoken. Jim, I saw how you felt. This bond is killing you. It will fade if I am not around and you will be free to live."

Rage soon replaced the despair on Jim's face. "Do not make my choices for me, Spock. Don't you dare. You don't get to do that."

A soft sigh fell from Spock's lips. "And you do not get to make my choices for me. I will not watch this kill you Jim." Spock leaned in close so no one would hear what he had to say. He needed Jim to let go. "I need to think about what is best for both of us Jim. You cannot even stand my touch anymore. What happens in seven years? Will you be over what I did to you by then? I will die Jim one way or the other. If I hurt you again I will not live with myself." He pulled away from his former captain watching the flash of horror, fear, sadness cross his husband's face. Spock looked away from the pain he saw his eyes falling on his father's form in the lobby. "Good bye Jim."

A sob fell from Jim's lips. "Damn it Spock…Fuck you. You…I…" Each curse falling from Jim's lips made the cracks along Spock's heart break. He refused to look back at the man he loved.

Author's Note 2: This is not the end. We have made it about half way through the story. Honestly, I lost flow of the story for a while and tried so many times to pick it back up. I no longer remember the original scene I had planned out but I hope this one makes up for it and seems reasonable. We still need our chocolates and blankets.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Letters from the Past

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS:

Spock,

Honestly, I don't know how to write to you. I've tried over the years. I just never could. First, I was angry at you. I nearly hated you after everything. Then I was ashamed of that anger. And well, I didn't know if I could have or if I even had the right to talk to you. I should have called but I don't think I am ready to hear your voice just yet. Or if you are ready to hear mine. I figured if you weren't ready you could just delete this and pretend you never read it. I would understand.

Nine years. Can you believe it? Your father said you remarried. Not that you had much choice if you wanted to live. I'm doing better. I hope you are too. I continued therapy. The same lady who did our couples therapy. She's helped me work through things. I hope the mind healers helped you on New Vulcan. I suppose I should get to the point. There's somethings I would like to talk about and there's a favor I need to ask of you. I don't want to say what that is in this letter. If you don't mind contacting me I would really appreciate it. I still have the same com number.

Thanks, Kirk

Spock read over the email that had been sent to his PADD nearly three days ago. He honestly almost dropped the device when he saw that name. He hadn't contacted Jim in nearly nine years. Not after filing the paperwork for their divorce. Now he stared at the words on his PADD wondering what could have caused the former captain to reach out to him of all people. The divorce had been ugly. They didn't fight over anything. Spock hadn't requested anything other than the divorce.

However, it ripped their Star Fleet family apart. They had to take sides, Jim's or Spock's. It had gotten to the point where Spock almost told them all that they should stay with Jim if it caused so many problems. It had nearly ruined their friends' relationships with each other. Reaching out for his com he dialed the number that he swore he never would have tried to use again.

Three rings and he got the answering machine. Without saying a word, he hung up. That was stupid, to call without thinking of what to say. Spock sighed and looked at his communicator. It lit up reading the name of someone he hadn't spoken to in years. If his hands shook as he answered no one but himself would know. "Hello Jim."

Silence stretched between them. "Spock…" Jim's voice was barely above a whisper. "Hold on. I didn't expect you to call." The sound of shuffling and a door opening before closing came through the speaker.

"Jim, are you okay? You are whispering." What need would Jim have to whisper? Unless he did not want to be heard by someone else?

"Fine fine. Don't worry about it." His voice was still low before it was followed by a hiss and a curse. Another door opened and then shut. "Sorry. I…Well…I didn't expect you to call. I just said that." His voice was louder but the sound of hover crafts could be heard in the distance.

"You did ask me to contact you. I have free time now. What was it you wanted to talk about Jim?" He did well to hide the shaking in his voice. They could do this. There had been enough time between them that Jim should have moved on.

"Um…Well it's a little strange to be honest. It's got me and Uhura stumped. She's good with languages. Which you already know. Sorry haven't had much sleep in the last few days. I can't send it to you. We tried and it murdered Uhura's PADD. She wasn't happy with me for a week." There was a long pause before Jim cursed again. "I'm sorry. How are you? I should have started with that."

"You know I do not like to partake in small talk Jim. You have something that might be a language you have not come across before and when you sent it to Uhura it crashed her PADD?" That was interesting to say the least. He knew that Uhura had kept her PADD the state of the art when it came to technology.

"I said murdered. As in it destroyed it along with her home security system and anything else she had hooked up to her PADD. So far mine is safe but I can't figure out what it is saying. Since you are pretty good at figuring these things out I thought it might be best if I tried to get ahold of you."

A new language that had destroyed Uhura's PADD and computer. That was interesting. He could leave New Vulcan for a few days to see what this was all about. "Jim…I…" He took a steadying breath. This could be very very bad for the both of them. Even after all this time he was willing to rush right back to Jim. "Are you okay with me being there? It has been six years since our bond was fully broken."

A soft chuckle came through. He could almost see Jim smiling from that sound. "Hey, you don't need to worry about me anymore. I'm not your husband remember. I am no longer doing anything life threatening and I'm taking care of myself. Just ask Bones. If I didn't think I could handle talking to you I wouldn't have sent the email. So are you ready to make a new discovery with me?"

A smile pulled at Spock's lips. "That does not reassure me Jim. Doctor McCoy would just cover for you to spite me."

There was silence for a moment before Jim huffed. "Likely. He's still pissed at you. He promised to tan your hide when he sees you. And I quote 'That green blooded hobgoblin is getting the whipping of the life time when he shows his pointy eared self in front of me. I don't give a damn if we are in front of the president.' Granted he was pretty drunk when he said that. So he might not remember."

The smile spread full force across his lips picturing the good doctor and his southern charm. "I am sure you gave me the abridge version. Or he has learned not to swear."

A loud laugh came across the com. "Well there were quite a few swears I left out. You should be proud of him. He's learned a few new words in other languages."

Spock gave a small chuckle. It would be just their luck the doctor only learned a new language just so he could spout more curses. "I will be on the next shuttle to Earth. Would you mind meeting me there?" They could do this. They could be friends again.

Spock walked off the shuttle with his bag slung over one shoulder. His eyes scanning the area for any sign of his former captain. "Earth is colder than I expected."

Looking down at the one to have spoken Spock nodded. "Yes, it often times is. That is why I told you to pack extra clothes Lhai." He knelt and tucked the boy's hat over his ears. The child squirmed away from Spock's hands before tucking his hat tightly over his head. A small smile spread across Spock's lips. "Very well do it yourself."

A green flush spread across the boy's cheeks but he did not say anything. "Spock!" Both child and the former first officer looked up to see the approaching human.

"That is the man we are to meet father?" Lhai asked taking a step closer to Spock. "You said he would be…older. Unless I am wrong about how fast humans age."

Spock watched as Jim walked through the crowd until he stood before the two of them. His eyes darting between father and son. A flash of pain around his eyes and a drop in the bright smile on the human's face was quickly hidden as he brought his hand up in a proper greeting. Spock longed to hear the thoughts of his former bondmate.

"Jim, this is my son Lhai. Lhai this is Jim Kirk." Spock spoke as he took in Jim's appearance. He was no longer in danger of being too underweight but he had never gained back all that he lost. It did give him a younger look. He would have expected some ageing around Jim's eyes at the least or the changing of hair but thus far the human hadn't showed his age still looking much like the cocky twenty odd year-old cadet that had took over the Enterprise.

"A pleasure to meet you Lhai. I didn't know you would be joining us." The smile was a little less forced as the child stared at him. "I know I promised to pick you guys up but I've got something that just came up. Here are the keys to my house and hover craft. I'll meet you guys there. I've already programed the address in the car so you won't get lost."

"I have been there before I do not think I will get lost Jim." Spock took the keys held out to him, the confusion clear to those who knew him.

"Right…" Jim rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah I moved. I sold the old house. Most of everything went into storage. I have a new place though. A little out of the way but still close enough to town that I can drive in and get things when I need to. I am running late though so go ahead and get going. I have a taxi waiting on me."

Before Spock could say more than Jim's name the whirlwind that was his former captain was already half way to the exit. "Was he always like this father? Or has he gotten manic in his old age?"

Spock closed his eyes wondering just where did he go wrong with his child. "Lhai, that is not a…nice thing to say about someone." He looked down at his son before taking off to the parking area hoping to find the hover craft easily. "Besides he is not old."

"Then how should I describe him father?" His son asked as they walked in the winter weather to Jim's car. They loaded their things into the trunk before slipping inside. Spock turned on the navigation system before driving. His son stayed silent in the back seat as he took in the world around them. Nearly two hours passed in silence before they got to their destination. The house was different than Spock had imagined. For one thing it was smaller than the house they had shared together. For another it was quite dated though clearly well kept.

Spock grabbed their bags before letting them into the house. It was…cozy. A fire place with a gate over it. Several couches and chairs strategically placed to enjoy either watching tv or sitting by the fire. The living room lead into the open kitchen and dining room. There was a hall leading to what he assumed was the bathroom and bedrooms. A throw blanket lay across the floor along with several PADDs and some toys.

Lhai walked forward picking up some of the toys from the floor. "He is not very neat. Are these normal for an adult human?"

Spock came over to stare at the toys. "No. I would say they are meant for children." He lifted a PADD to turn on. A child's story came to life across the screen. As his eyes scanned over the words the front door opened and child's laughter filled the air accompanied by running feet.

"David, don't run in the house!" Came too late as the child ran around the corner nearly toppling over in his haste to back away from the Vulcans. Jim came around just in time to catch the boy before he fell. A small smile spread across the human's face. "David, this is Spock and his son Lhai. You want to say hello?" The boy's blue eyes widen before he shook his head and hid behind his father's legs staring out at Spock. "I meant to tell you about him but Bones had to go to work and Joanna caught a cold. They were originally going to watch David tonight."

He couldn't speak. It felt like something had stuck him hard in the lungs keeping him from being able to even breath. "You have a son?" What a foolish thing to say when the evidence was in front of him.

"Yeah. He turned four and a half last week actually. Long story. I'll tell you about it later? David why don't you go ahead and go play in your room for a little bit?" Without needing to be told twice the child ran going through the door leading into the kitchen to pass by Spock without getting near him.

The three of them watch as the human child ran away. "He's…shy around adult males. Lhai if you want I am sure he wouldn't mind having you join him for playing. Just keep the door open."

The older child looked up at the human male. "I assume that is your way of telling me you wish to speak to my father alone? Then I will go…play…" He soon followed the younger boy into his bedroom leaving the adults alone.

Spock looked around unsure what he should do. "David's mother…does she work?" He once again found himself looking around the small home. There were no pictures of David's mother but there were plenty of David and their family from the Enterprise. Uhura hugging Scott around the neck kissing his cheek. Chekov and Sulu holding their child with Sulu's daughter between them. McCoy with his daughter and Jim.

Jim wince and motioned to one of the couches. "Um…She works. Ground rules? Don't mention David's mom around him. He's still adjusting to being here. I'm surprised Uhura or your father didn't mention him to you."

That was news. His father had not mentioned keeping in contact with Jim over the years. "Uhura and I do not speak as often as we use to. The time difference between New Vulcan and Earth make it difficult to keep in touch." He took his seat across form Jim. "What was it you wanted me to see?"

Jim nodded. "Right you'll want to see that. Let me get dinner started and served then I'll show you." He stood again to head into the kitchen. "What about Lhai's mother? Does she work?"

"Lhai's mother chose the path of Kolinahr and has severed all emotional ties. Her bond with me has also been severed." Spock joined Jim in the kitchen. Once again, they fell into old habits of preparing dinner together. A frown formed on his face as Jim brought out meat. "You have started eating meat again?"

A chuckle fell from Jim's lips. "No. I haven't touched meat in years. But David has and I had to agree with Bones that changing his diet along with everything else would be a bad idea. So I make sure he gets to eat meat with at least one of his meals. I cleaned out my room for you to stay in. I didn't think about it when I asked you to come but this is probably awkward for you."

"It is fine Jim. I was not thinking about living arrangements when you called. It'll be for a few nights. I can always go to the embassy if being here bothers you." He quickly made a salad and set it on the table.

In short order dinner was finished and set out for them to eat. Neither saying another word. Jim walked to his son's room followed by Spock, poking his head in to see David on the floor coloring while Lhai read. "You boy's ready to eat?" Before he was finished David was on his feet rushing past to go to the kitchen. He kept his eyes on Spock the whole way there. Lhai set the PADD down on the table giving Jim a look.

"Your son does not speak. Is there something wrong with his vocal cords?" Spock suppressed what would pass as a sigh for a Vulcan at his child's blunt behavior. It was fine with other Vulcan's but human took offence to children being what was in their culture rude.

"He's just shy Lhai. He takes a while to warm up to new people. I'm sure he will become friends with you by the time you go back home. You and your father are staying in my room tonight. I don't have a guest room." Both adults watched as the child walked past them to join the other in the kitchen.

"That is not necessary. I will share with David. His room is more than enough for the both of us." With that he climbed into the chair at the table. His cheeks turning a green hue when his head barely came above the top of the table.

David had by this time came back into the kitchen holding out a thick book and a pillow to the older child. Another set in the seat next to Lhai. "So you can see." His voice was barely above a whisper. Lhai watched the younger child before taking the offered items and placed them in the seat before once again sitting on them. A bright grin plastered itself on David's face revealing his front two teeth missing. The younger child quickly climbed into the seat next to Lhai. Even with the two added books and a pillow he just barely came over the top of the table.

Spock took a seat at the end of the table next to his son watching as Jim did the same. Neither adult spoke of the high chair placed against the wall.

Author's Note: I will try to update later this week no promises though. There are a lot, and I do mean a LOT of things that were not covered in the nine-year gap. Some of it will be covered in the following chapters. I might just write another fic about what happened with the Spock and Jim. It would be another 30k just to cover it all at least.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: The Scars We Do Not Hide

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: This chapter contains triggering material. Please read carefully. Mentions of past self harm.

Late afternoon wore on into night as Jim watched his son slowly warm up to Spock's child. Wasn't that something? Spock having a child. He never would have imagined that. It was a good thing. Spock seemed more comfortable with himself now that he was a father. As David yawned for the sixth time in the last ten minutes Jim stood. "Okay it's time for little boys to go to sleep. Well at least mine needs to."

He scooped up the tiny tot. "But Daddy not sleepy…" He grumbled even as he rubbed his eyes and curled into Jim's chest.

"I do not require sleep however I can meditate while David sleeps." Lhai stood as he spoke, following Jim like a duckling. A little over half an hour later he had David washed in PJ's and sound asleep in the bed leaving the door open. Lhai having made himself comfortable next to the smaller child to meditate for the night.

Jim made his way back into the living room looking over his shoulder at his son's room. "Okay please tell me he is like that back on New Vulcan."

Spock raised his eye brow in that way of his. "I am not sure I understand what you mean." His tone clearly said he knew and was pretending not to know.

"You know what I mean. Is he normally…clingy? Do I need to worry about setting up play dates from now on? So far David hasn't really expressed an interest in others his own age." Jim waved his hand in the general direction of his son's bedroom. "It's a little strange to see him taken with someone in a few hours when it took me two months to get him to talk to me."

As he spoke Jim went around collecting toys and blankets his son had drug out putting them away. He was stalling he knew that. He needed to keep his hands busy. Slowly he ran out of distractions before he sat down on the couch across from Spock. He turned on his PADD before going into his documents. A few more taps lead him to what he wanted.

"When I first got this a few months ago I thought it was some sort of glitch. It was just suddenly on my PADD. I tried getting rid of it but nothing I did would remove it. So I finally ran some test to make sure it didn't contain a virus. It came back clean and I tried opening it. Except it was protected by a password. Four of them to be exact. I got that unlocked within the first week. Not all that hard. But then I came across this."

Sliding the PADD across the table Jim tapped the screen lightly showing the wall of text. "It's a set of files. All of them are locked with a password. The problem is I can't figure out the language to even beginning guessing at the answer."

Several minutes passed in silence as Spock scrolled through the thirteen files. Each one he opened to find where a password prompt came up noting the different symbols in each prompt. "I do not see a common link between any of these."

A soft groan left Jim's mouth as he slouched in his chair. "Come on you have to give me something better than that! Nothing stands out to you? There has to be a reason for this right?"

Spock arched a brow and he glanced up from the PADD. "If there is one I have not come across it. It will take some time. There are some questions that need to be answered. Why were you given these files? Were they meant for you or were they given to you accidentally? What were the first four passwords?"

Jim lowered his crossed arms staring at the PADD between them. "Fair enough. I don't know if it was meant for me. The passwords were easy. A child could do it. The first one was in English. A riddle. What three things are not long hidden?" Jim rolled his eyes as Spock watched him silently. "You used to be more fun. The answer is the Sun, the Moon, the Truth. It was an old religious saying back before we had warp capabilities. It is still practiced on Earth today. It reminds me of your own culture.

The second one was an equation written in Vulcan. Took me longer to answer that one. I've gotten better at reading the language but the language was out dated. I had to do some digging to get answers. It took me three hours to solve that problem and I feel stupid for it. The answer was twenty thousand two hundred and forty-six. The third question was in Klingon. That was when I called in Uhura. To sum it up the answer was "dishonor". Try spelling that in Klingon. You remember that planet we went to in the fourth year of our mission? The one where they had six wives and each wife had two husbands?"

Spock laced his fingers together watching his former captain. "The one where you found yourself in the bed of one such group while we were on diplomatic missions?"

A slight flush made its way up Jim's throat as he refused to look away. "It got us the deal didn't and I have to admit it was pretty cool…yeah moving on. Well why we were there I learned about some of their culture and their language. Once I suspected that the fourth question related to them I contacted them and asked for a word bank. They got back to us pretty quickly and that was what me and Uhura spent four days working out. Did you know they only have nine laws? The ninth law was the answer. To sum that one up it says that if a person betrays their family, at least that is what we think that word means, then death and justice will be brought on them."

Only the sound of the fire crackling in the fireplace filled the room for a long while. "Jim-"

"Don't. Alright? I know it sounds crazy. It's likely a hoax but come on why would anyone send it to me of all people? I'm not the Golden Boy anymore. I am just an old man who sits behind a desk." Jim leaned forward in his seat. "Besides, it gave me a reason to reach out to you again. The way we were going it wasn't likely we would speak to each other until I was on my death bed of old age. If even then."

Spock sighed and gave a grim nod. "I suppose that is one way to look at it. Honestly, I did not know if you wanted to see me again. I would have stayed away as long as it took for you to recover."

An undignified snort came from Jim. "Don't. I'm not nearly drunk enough to get into that conversation right now. Don't give me that look Spock, you lost all rights to judge me and my actions the day you walked away. I tried to contact you. Either your father answered the com or you were not in." He took a steadying breath before he reached for the PADD. Like a snake that caught its prey Spock's hand reached out capturing Jim's wrist twisting it to the light.

"Jim!" His thumb traced over the faint raised scar. His warm brown eyes lifted to meet blue. "Does anyone know you did this?"

Taking his arm back Jim sat back in his chair. "Not that it is any of your business but yes. I won't say it was the lowest I got but it was the lowest I got while I was alone. After they got me stable the doctor asked if I wanted to keep the scar."

Spock wouldn't meet his eyes. Instead he looked at the table or the scar. "Why did you keep it?"

A sigh left Jim's lips as he crossed his arms again. He stared at his former husband. "Because of reactions like that. It disturbs you to see how low I got. That I would try to end the pain. To me? It's a reminder that I survived. That even though I couldn't see myself living one more moment in that sort of pain I lived. I made it passed the worse time in my life. Not the same. A little bent, a little bruised, but stronger. I don't know how many times I've looked at that scar and told myself I can do whatever needed to be done that day because I already experienced the worse thing I could do to myself. You don't have to understand it Spock. You don't even have to like it. But it is none of your damn business anymore. So, do NOT look at me like you are now. I am not broken and I don't need you to fix me."

Spock opened his lips. Either to question Jim more or to scold him. Whatever it was going to be was lost of the high pitch scream of a four-year-old. Before the first died off both men were on their feet rushing to bed room where their children lay.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Unexpected Truths

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

Author's Note: I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine. A big shout out to Solo16 for the nice review back in November. I can't really answer your theories since it would ruin the fic. You helped me get back to writing. Another big shout out to Animemen10 for the review in June. It's why we have a new chapter. Thank you both very much. Honestly reviews help make us writers want to write. It lets us know we have someone out there wanting to read our story.

WARNINGS: Mention of child abuse

Spock was seconds behind Jim as they ran to David's room. With years of looking for threats his eyes started scanning the room. They quickly fell back on Jim who had sat on the bed reaching for the trashing child. He winced as the human child struck out hitting Jim in the nose. Lhai stood huddled against the wall, his soft brown eyes wide.

"What happened Lhai?" Spock asked even as he checked the window.

"I-I don't know…He began to move in his sleep before he screamed. Is something wrong with him? Is he sick?" Lhai asked as he moved to stand by his father watching the two humans.

"I do not think that is the case." Spock took in the pale complexion of his son to the state of his clothes. A quick sniff of the air made his nose twitch. "Lhai, a change of clothes and a shower are needed."

His son arched a brow before looking down at his clothes. Both brows shot up nearly reaching his hairline. A green hue covered his cheeks. "He…urinated on me…."

It was hard not to let his lips twitch up into a smile as his son stormed off in search of his clothes. Once more his eyes settled on his former bondmate and David. The child was fully awake now. Snot and tears ran down his small face as he clung to his father. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

There was no mistaking the small flinch that racked the child's body. "No. Well actually could you get clean bedding from the hall closet? Lay it on the chair over there? I'll change the sheets after I get him cleaned up."

Frowning Spock moved out of the room. When he returned with the bedding both humans were gone to the bathroom attached to the master bedroom. He meticulously started stripping the sheets and blanket tossing the soiled cloth into the hamper against the wall. By the time he had the plastic sheet on the bed and was working on the next sheet Lhai stepped into the room.

"Where is David?" He sounded calmer as he went to join his father in making the bed. "Did Mr. Kirk have to take him to the doctor?"

"No. Currently they are getting cleaned up." Spock tucked the blanket in place. "Perhaps you want to sleep elsewhere tonight? David seems to have nightmares. He may wake up hitting you. Or Urinating again."

Lhai put the pillows back on the bed before grabbing a stuffed bear returning it to the place of honor by the pillow. "I do not mind sharing a bed with David. Now that I know he has nightmares I might be able to calm him before he does anything."

Spock stared at his son. "They are not like us. Melds are painful and they are invasive to their privacy."

If Lhai had been human Spock was certain his son would have rolled his eyes at him. "I was not suggestion to do a Meld. There are other ways to comfort people. Mother would hug me when I had bad dreams. It was effective."

Before he could say anything to ease his son's pain the door opened again revealing a freshly washed Jim and his son. "You didn't have to make the bed. Thank you. So where are you staying tonight Lhai?" A curse slipped from his lips as his son tipped forward nearly overbalancing the both of them. Lhai stepped forward catching David around his chest as the younger child reached for him. "David? He's Vulcan. They don't touch casually. Let him go."

"He is fine Mr. Kirk. I do not mind him hugging me." Lhai said as he took more weight from Jim. After a moment Jim let him go watching as the human child buried his face against the side of Lhai's neck.

"Looks like I've been replaced…." Jim mumbled as he stared at the two children. Spock was starting to wonder if that statement was true for him as well as he watched his son carry the younger child to bed where he proceeded to tuck them both under the covers. Jim looked up at him.

Shrugging his shoulders Spock turned on his heel and left the room. When they were far enough away that the human child would not hear he looked back at Jim. "May I ask what that was about?"

Jim for his part looked like a child getting caught eating cookies before dinner. "I was honestly hoping that wouldn't have come up. His mom…she got hurt pretty badly. It's why I was notified that I had a kid. I was listed as his next of kin. Right now, she is recovering. But he has nightmares. He won't talk about what he saw. David was there when she got hurt. We've pieced together that it had something to do with his Mother's boyfriend since he went missing after the attack."

Spock glanced at the open door to where his son lay holding David protectively. "He witnessed the attack on his mother? Is that why he dislikes men?"

Jim tapped his nose. "At least that is what we think. The bruises he showed up with clearly point to more but we don't really know. His therapist said it would take time before he is ready to talk about it."

The human passed him on his way to the kitchen. He knelt and pressed his thumb to the lock on a counter. Spock watched as the human brought out two bottles before pouring a large amount in two glasses. "Humor me and drink. You can tell me about how this doesn't get you drunk later."

Spock frowned as he took the glass offered him. So Jim had continued drinking. He wasn't really suppressed after all the human enjoyed the taste. However, that did not mean he hadn't hoped Jim would have quit. Finally, he let out a sigh. It wasn't his place anymore to be worried about Jim's drinking. "Very well."

This time when Spock sat he took one of the overstuffed chairs while Jim sprawled out on the couch. They drank their glass before Jim poured them another one. "I'm sorry. For snapping at you. I thought after all this time I wouldn't be so angry anymore."

Sipping on his second glass Spock watched his former captain. "Apology accepted though not needed. You have every right to be angry with me."

"No I really don't Spock. And we are not talking about this anymore. I'm way too sober for it. So Lhai, isn't…what I would call normal behavior for Vulcans. Want to clue me in on why?" Jim asked as he finished off his second glass and poured a third.

"Should you be drinking like that with a child here?" He didn't want Jim drunk around his son either. "You are correct. His behavior is different. His mother was half Romulan."

"No way…" Jim's blue eyes widen. "You got with a Romulan? How did that happen?" He waved a hand as if clearing the air. "Never mind. Stupid question. David's last name is Markus. Carol was his mother. I was pretty drunk and couldn't tell you much about the night but we agreed we were better off friends more than anything. With work she got shipped out pretty far. I'm not sure she would ever have told me about David. Did you love her? Lhai's mother?"

Spock sipped his drink as he thought about the woman who gave him Lhai. He listened for the steady rhythm of his sons breathing indicating he was asleep. "It was not a love match. Not like what we had. I loved her but the bond was made in the middle of Pon Farr. She chose to keep me alive when I would have chosen to go through it alone. I rescued her when she was younger. I think that was why she chose to bond with me."

A small smile spread across Jim's lips. "I'm glad you found someone like her. She can't be all that bad if she liked you and gave birth to Lhai. He's…I like him. He handles David as if they were raised together. That's a win in my book."

The night grew late as they continued to talk. Jim's eyes grew heavy with each drink and he cuddled into the plush couch as they simply enjoyed an evening of talking until the human fell asleep on the couch. Spock retrieved another blanket form Jim. He lifted their glasses and frowned. He brought cup to his nose and sniffed. Turning wide brown eyes on Jim Spock could only stare in shock. He reached for the unlabeled bottle and uncorked it. He brought it to his nose as well. Again, there was no scent of alcohol.


End file.
